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THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL 




^•f* 




THE SCHOOL FOR 

SCANDAL • A Comedy 

By Richard Brinsley Sheridan . . . 

Illustrated by Frank M. Gregory 





'«*; J 






1892 



NEW YORK: DODD, MEAD 
AND COMPANY. MDCCCXCII 



// 



b« v 



■V 



Copyright, 1892, 
By Dodd, Mead and Company. 

All rights reserved. 



®fattattg tresis: 
John Wilson and Son, Cambridge. 



J^%> 




ft)]^ 






AQUARELLES. 

Miss Prim's Uncle stopped her just as she was stepping into 

the York Mail with her Dancing-master." 
Stuck down to an Old Spinet to strum my Father to Sleep." 
I'll give him the Song instead of the Lady." 
Shall I beg your Ladyship to inform me ? " 
Then, Sir, you can't assist me ? " 



Page 

Dramatis Persons 9 

Prologue 17 

Act I . . . . . 19 

Lady Sneerwell discovered at her Toilet 21 

Lnter Servant. Addresses Mr. Surface ...... 25 

Mrs. Candour leaves her Carriage 27 

Mrs. Can. "Very true, Child; but what 's to be done?" 31 

Sir Peter Teazle enters . 39 



6 List of Illustrations* 

Page 

Act II 45 

Crab. " There, Ladies, done in the Smack of a Whip " . 50 

Miss Vermilion 51 

Enter Servant, who whispers Sir Peter 59 

Sir Oliver Surface 63 

Act III 68 

Enter Moses 70 

Moses looks at his Watch 71 

Enter Maria j6 

Exit Trip taking Snuff 81 

Maria 87 

Sir Oliver. -Good Lack! All the Family Race-cups" . 96 

Act IV. 99 

Charles Surface. "No, Hang it! I'll not Part with 

Poor Noll" 103 

Charles Surface bows ceremoniously to the Pictures . 107 

'•'Tis her Ladyship, sir; she always leaves her Chair" 112 

Joseph Surface. '-Give me that Book" 117 

Sir Peter goes into the Closet 124 

Sir Peter. "Then, i' faith, we will" 129 

Act V 133 

Sir Oliver. " Kind Sir. your most Obedient, Humble 

Servant" 137 

Mrs. Candour. " Did you tell her it was her Friend 

Mrs. Candour?" 141 

Crabtree. "With Pistols, Nephew" 146 

Enter Lady Sneerwell 161. 

Enter Snake 164 

End of Epilogue 169 



THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL. 



A COMEDY. 




AS ORIGINALLY ACTED AT DRURY-LANE THEATRE IN 1777- 

Sir Peter Teazle Mr. King. 

Sir Oliver Surface . Mr. Yates. 

Sir Harry Bumper Mr. Gawdry. 

Sir Benjamin Backbite Mr. Dodd. 

Joseph Surface Mr. Palmer. 

Charles Surface Mr. Smith. 

Careless Mr. Farren. 

Snake Mr. Packer. 

Crabtree Mr. Parsons. 

Rowley . Mr. Aickin. 

Moses Mr. Baddeley. 

Trip Mr. Lamash. 

Lady Teazle Mrs. Abington. 

Lady Sneerwell Miss Sherry. 

Mrs. Candour Miss Pope. 

Maria Miss P. Hopkins. 

Gentlemen, Maid, and Servants. 



SCENE.— London. 



a portrait; 



ADDRESSED TO MRS. CREWE, WITH THE COMEDY OF THE 
SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL. 

BY R. B. SHERIDAN, ESQ. 

Tell me, ye prim adepts in Scandal's school 
Who rail by precept and detract by rule, 
Lives there no character, so tried, so known, 
So deck'd with grace, and so unlike your own, 
That even you assist her fame to raise, 
Approve by envy, and by silence praise? 
Attend ! a model shall attract your view. 
Daughters of calumny, I summon you ! 
You shall decide if this a portrait prove, 
Or fond creation of the Muse and Love. 
Attend, ye virgin critics, shrewd and sage, 
Ye matron censors of this childish age, 
Whose peering eye and wrinkled front declare 
A fix'd antipathy to young and fair ; 
By cunning, cautious ; or by nature, cold, 
In maiden madness, virulently bold ! 
Attend, ye skill'd to coin the precious tale, 
Creating proof where innuendos fail ; 
Whose practised memories, cruelly exact, 
Omit no circumstance, except the fact. 



12 The School for Scandal. 

Attend, all ye who boast — or old or young — 

The living libel of a slanderous tongue ! 

So shall my theme as far contrasted be 

As saints by fiends, or hymns by calumny. 

Come, gentle Amoret (for 'neath that name 

In worthier verse is sung thy beauty's fame) ; 

Come, — for but thee who seeks the Muse? and while 

Celestial blushes check thy conscious smile, 

With timid grace and hesitating eye, 

The perfect model, which I boast, supply. 

Vain Muse ! couldst thou the humblest sketch create 

Of her, or slightest charm couldst imitate ; 

Could thy blest strain in kindred colours trace 

The faintest wonder of her form and face, — 

Poets would study the immortal line, 

And Reynolds own his art subdued by thine ; 

That art, which well might added lustre give 

To Nature's best, and Heaven's superlative, 

On Granby's cheek might bid new glories rise, 

Or point a purer beam from Devon's eyes ! 

Hard is the task to shape that beauty's praise 

Whose judgment scorns the homage flattery pays ; 

But praising Amoret we cannot err, 

No tongue o'ervalues Heaven, or flatters her ! 

Yet she by fate's perverseness, — she alone 

Would doubt our truth, nor deem such praise her own. 

Adorning fashion, unadorn'd by dress, 

Simple from taste, and not from carelessness ; 

Discreet in gesture, in deportment mild, 

Not stiff with prudence, nor uncouthly wild, — 



The School for Scandal. 13 

No state has Amoret ; no studied mien ; 

She frowns no goddess, and she moves no queen. 

The softer charm that in her manner lies 

Is framed to captivate, yet not surprise ; 

It justly suits the expression of her face, — 

T is less than dignity, and more than grace. 

On her pure cheek the native hue is such 

That, form'd by Heaven to be admired so much, 

The hand divine, with a less partial care, 

Might well have fix'd a fainter crimson there, 

And bade the gentle inmate of her breast — 

Enshrined Modesty — supply the rest. 

But who the peril of her lips shall paint? 

Strip them of smiles, still, still all words are faint. 

But moving Love himself appears to teach 

Their action, though denied to rule her speech ; 

And thou who seest her speak, and dost not hear, 

Mourn not her distant accents 'scape thine ear. 

Viewing those lips, thou still may'st make pretence 

To judge of what she says, and swear 't is sense ; 

Clothed with such grace, with such expression fraught, 

They move in meaning, and they pause in thought. 

But dost thou farther watch, with charm'd surprise, 

The mild irresolution of her eyes, 

Curious to mark how frequent they repose, 

In brief eclipse and momentary close, — 

Ah, seest thou not an ambush'd Cupid there, 

Too tim'rous of his charge, with jealous care 

Veils and unveils those beams of heavenly light, 

Too full, too fatal else, for mortal sight? 



14 The School for Scandal. 

Nor yet, such pleasing vengeance fond to meet, 

In pard'ning dimples hope a safe retreat. 

What though her peaceful breast should ne'er allow 

Subduing frowns to arm her alter' d brow, 

By Love, I swear, and by his gentle wiles, 

More fatal still the mercy of her smiles ! 

Thus lovely, thus adorn'd, possessing all 

Of bright or fair .that can to woman fall, 

The height of vanity might well be thought 

Prerogative in her, and Nature's fault. 

Yet gentle Amoret, in mind supreme 

As well as charms, rejects the vainer theme; 

And, half mistrustful of her beauty's store, 

She barbs with wit those darts too keen before, — 

Read in all knowledge that her sex should reach, 

Though Greville, or the Muse, should deign to teach; 

Fond to improve, nor timorous to discern 

How far it is a woman's grace to learn. 

In Millar's dialect she would not prove 

Apollo's priestess, but Apollo's love, 

Graced by those signs which truth delights to own, — 

The timid blush and mild submitted tone; 

Whate'er she says, though sense appear throughout, 

Displays the tender hue of female doubt. 

Deck'd with that charm, how lovely wit appears ; 

How graceful science, when that robe she wears ! 

Such too her talents, and her bent of mind, 

As speak a sprightly heart by thought refined : 

A taste for mirth, by contemplation school'd ; 

A turn for ridicule, by candour ruled ; 



The School for Scandal. 15 

A scorn of folly, which she tries to hide ; 
An awe of talent, which she owns with pride. 

Peace, idle Muse ! no more thy strain prolong, 
But yield a theme thy warmest praises wrong ; 
Just to her merit, though thou canst not raise 
Thy feeble verse, behold th' acknowledged praise 
Has spread conviction through the envious train, 
And cast a fatal gloom o'er Scandal's reign ! 
And, lo ! each pallid hag, with blister'd tongue, 
Mutters assent to all thy zeal has sung ; 
Owns all the colours just, the outline true, 
Thee my inspirer, and my model — CREWE ! 



%> . 3 %:: . 




WRITTEN BY MR. GARRICK. 



A SCHOOL for Scandal ! tell me, I beseech you, 
Needs there a school this modish art to teach you? 
No need of lessons now, the knowing think ; 
We might as well be taught to eat and drink. 
Caused by a dearth of scandal, should the vapours 
Distress our fair ones — let them read the papers ; 
Their powerful mixtures such disorders hit; 
Crave what you will, there 's quantum sufficit. 
" Lord ! " cries my Lady Wormwood (who loves tattle, 
And puts much salt and pepper in her prattle). 
Just risen at noon, all night at cards when threshing 
Strong tea and scandal. " Bless me, how refreshing! 
Give me the papers, Lisp — how bold and free ! [Sips. 
Last night Lord L. [Sips'] was caught with Lady D. 
For aching heads what charming sal volatile ! [Sips. 
If Mrs, B. will still continue flirting, 
We hope she '11 DRAW, or we '11 UNDRAW the curtain. 
Fine satire, poz — in public all abuse it; 



1 8 The School for Scandal. 



But, by ourselves [Sips], our praise we can't refuse it. 
Now, Lisp, read you — there, at that dash and star." 
" Yes, ma 'am. A certain lord had best beware, 
Who lives not twenty miles from Grosvenor Square; 
For should he Lady W. find willing, 
Wormwood is bitter — " " Oh, that 's me ! the villain ! 
Throw it behind the fire, and never more 
Let that vile paper come within my door." 
Thus at our friends we laugh, who feel the dart ; 
To reach our feelings, we ourselves must smart. 
Is our young bard so young, to think that he 
Can stop the full spring- tide of calumny? 
Knows he the world so little, and its trade? 
Alas ! the Devil 's sooner raised than laid. 
So strong, so swift, the monster there 's no gagging ; 
Cut Scandal's head off, still the tongue is wagging. 
Proud of your smiles once lavishly bestow'd, 
Again our young Don Quixote takes the road ; 
To show his gratitude he draws his pen, 
And seeks this hydra, Scandal, in his den. 
For your applause all perils he would through : 
He '11 fight — that 's write — a cavalliero true, 
Till every drop of blood — that's ink — is spilt for you. 




Scene I. — Lady Sneerwell's Dressing-room. 



Lady Sneerwell discovered at her toilet ; Snake drinking 

chocolate. 

Lady Sneer. The paragraphs, you say, Mr. Snake, were 
all inserted? 

SNAKE. They were, madam ; and as I copied them my- 
self in a feigned hand, there can be no suspicion whence 
they came. 

Lady Sneer. Did you circulate the report of Lady 
Brittle's intrigue with Captain Boastall? 

. Snake. That 's in as fine a train as your Ladyship could 
wish. In the common course of things, I think it must 
reach Mrs. Clackitt's ears within four-and-twenty hours; 
and then, you know, the business is as good as done. 

Lady Sneer. Why, truly, Mrs. Clackitt has a very 
pretty talent and a great deal of industry. 

Snake. True, madam, and has been tolerably successful 
in her day. To my knowledge, she has been the cause of 



20 The School for Scandal. 

six matches being broken off, and three sons being disin- 
herited ; of four forced elopements, and as many close con- 
finements ; nine separate maintenances, and two divorces. 
Nay, I have more than once traced her causing a tete-a-tete 
in the " Town and Country Magazine," when the parties, 
perhaps, had never seen each other's face before in the 
course of their lives. 

Lady Sneer. She certainly has talents, but her manner 
is gross. 

Snake. 'T is very true. She generally designs well, has 
a free tongue and a bold invention ; but her colouring is too 
dark, and her outlines often extravagant. She wants that 
delicacy of tint and mellowness of sneer which distinguish 
your Ladyship's scandal. 

Lady SNEER. You are partial, Snake. 

SNAKE. Not in the least ; everybody allows that Lady 
Sneerwell can do more with a word or look than many can 
with the most laboured detail, even when they happen to 
have a little truth on their side to support it. 

Lady Sneer. Yes, my dear Snake ; and I am no hypo- 
crite to deny the satisfaction I reap from the success of my 
efforts. Wounded myself, in the early part of my life, by 
the envenomed tongue of slander, I confess I have since 
known no pleasure equal to the reducing others to the level 
of my own reputation. 

Snake. Nothing can be more natural. But, Lady Sneer- 
well, there is one affair in which you have lately employed me, 
wherein, I confess, T am at a loss to guess your motives. 

Lady Sneer. I conceive you mean with respect to my 
neighbour, Sir Peter Teazle, and his family? 



The School for Scandal. 23 

Snake. I do. Here are two young men, to whom Sir 
Peter has acted as a kind of guardian since their father's 
death, — the eldest possessing the most amiable character, 
and universally well spoken of; the youngest, the most 
dissipated and extravagant young fellow in the kingdom, 
without friends or character ; the former an avowed admirer 
of your Ladyship, and apparently your favourite; the latter 
attached to Maria, Sir Peter's ward, and confessedly beloved 
by her. Now, on the face of these circumstances, it is ut- 
terly unaccountable to me, why you, the widow of a city 
knight, with a good jointure, should not close with the pas- 
sion of a man of such character and expectations as Mr. 
Surface ; and more so why you should be so uncommonly 
earnest to destroy the mutual attachment subsisting between 
his brother Charles and Maria. 

LADY SNEER. Then, at once to unravel this mystery, I 
must inform you that love has no share whatever in the 
intercourse between Mr. Surface and me. 

Snake. No! 

Lady Sneer. His real attachment is to Maria, or her 
fortune ; but finding in his brother a favoured rival, he has 
been obliged to mask his pretensions, and profit by my 
assistance. 

Snake. Yet still I am more puzzled why you should 
interest yourself in his success. 

Lady SNEER. Heavens ! how dull you are ! Cannot 
you surmise the weakness which I hitherto, through shame, 
have concealed even from you? Must I confess that 
Charles — that libertine, that extravagant, that bankrupt in 
fortune and reputation — that he it is for whom I am thus 



24 The School for Scandal. 

anxious and malicious, and to gain whom I would sacrifice 
everything? 

Snake. Now, indeed, your conduct appears consistent; 
but how came you and Mr. Surface so confidential? 

Lady Sneer. For our mutual interest. I have found 
him out a long time since. I know him to be artful, sel- 
fish, and malicious, — in short, a sentimental knave ; while 
with Sir Peter, and indeed with all his acquaintance, he 
passes for a youthful miracle of prudence, good sense, and 
benevolence. 

Snake. Yes ; yet Sir Peter vows he has not his equal 
in England; and, above all, he praises him as a man of 
sentiment. 

Lady Sneer. True ; and with the assistance of his sen- 
timent and hypocrisy he has brought Sir Peter entirely into 
his interest with regard to Maria; while poor Charles has 
no friend in the house, — though I fear he has a powerful 
one in Maria's heart, against whom we must direct our 

schemes. 

Enter Servant. 

Ser. Mr. Surface. 

Lady Sneer. Show him up. [Exit Servant.] He 
generally calls about this time. I don't wonder at people 
giving him to me for a lover. 

Enter Joseph Surface. 

JOS. SURF. My dear Lady Sneerwell, how do you do 
to-day? Mr. Snake, your most obedient. 

Lady Sneer. Snake has just been rallying me on our 
mutual attachment, but I have informed him of our real 



The School for Scandal. 



2 5 



views. You know how useful he has been to us ; and, be- 
lieve me, the confidence is not ill placed. 

Jos. SURF. Madam, it is impossible for me to suspect 
a man of Mr. Snake's sensibility and discernment. 

Lady Sneer. Well, well, no compliments now ; but tell 
me when you saw your mistress, Maria, 
— or, what is more material to me, your 
brother. 

Jos. SURF. I have not seen either 
since I left you ; but I can inform you 
that they never meet. Some of your 
stories have taken a good effect on 
Maria. 

Lady Sneer. Ah, my dear Snake! 
the merit of this belongs to you. But 
do your brother's distresses increase ? 

Jos. SURF. Every hour. I am told 
he has had another execution in the 
house yesterday. In short, his dissi- 
pation and extravagance exceed any- 
thing I have ever heard of. 

Lady Sneer. Poor Charles ! 

JOS. SURF. True, madam; notwith- 
standing his vices, one can't help feeling for him. Poor 
Charles ! I 'm sure I wish it were in my power to be of 
any essential service to him ; for the man who does not 
share in the distresses of a brother, even though merited 
by his own misconduct, deserves — 

Lady Sneer. O Lud ! you are going to be moral, and 
forget that you are among friends. 




26 The School for Scandal. 

Jos. SURF. Egad, that 's true ! I '11 keep that sentiment 
till I see Sir Peter. However, it is certainly a charity to 
rescue Maria from such a libertine, who, if he is to be re- 
claimed, can be so only by a person of your Ladyship's 
superior accomplishments and understanding. 

SNAKE. I believe, Lady Sneerwell, here 's company com- 
ing; I'll go and copy the letter I mentioned to you. Mr. 
Surface, your most obedient. 

Jos. SURF. Sir, your very devoted. [Exit Snake.] 
Lady Sneerwell, I am very sorry you have put any further 
confidence in that fellow. 

Lady Sneer. Why so? 

Jos. Surf. I have lately detected him in frequent con- 
ference with old Rowley, who was formerly my father's 
steward, and has never, you know, been a friend of mine. 

Lady Sneer. And do you think he would betray us? 

Jos. Surf. Nothing more likely; take my word for't, 
Lady Sneerwell, that fellow has n't virtue enough to be 
faithful even to his own villany. Ah, Maria ! 

Enter Maria. 

Lady Sneer. Maria, my dear, how do you do? What's 
the matter? 

Mar. Oh, there 's that disagreeable lover of mine, Sir 
Benjamin Backbite, has just called at my guardian's, with 
his odious uncle, Crabtree ; so I slipped out, and ran hither 
to avoid them. 

Lady Sneer. Is that all ? 

JOS- Surf. If my brother Charles had been of the 



The School for Scandal. 29 

party, madam, perhaps you would not have been so much 
alarmed. 

Lady Sneer. Nay, now you are severe; for I dare 
swear the truth of the matter is, Maria heard you were here. 
But, my dear, what has Sir Benjamin done, that you should 
avoid him so? 

Mar. Oh, he has done nothing, but 't is for what he 
has said ; his conversation is a perpetual libel on all his 
acquaintance. 

Jos. Surf. " Ay, and the worst of it is, there is no advan- 
tage in not knowing him ; for he '11 abuse a stranger just as 
soon as his best friend ; and his uncle 's as bad. 

Lady Sneer. Nay, but we should make allowance ; Sir 
Benjamin is a wit and a poet. 

Mar. For my part, I own, madam, wit loses its respect 
with me, when I see it in company with malice. What do 
you think, Mr. Surface? 

JOS. SURF. Certainly, madam ; to smile at the jest which 
plants a thorn in another's breast is to become a principal 
in the mischief. 

Lady Sneer. Pshaw ! there 's no possibility of being 
witty without a little ill-nature ; the malice of a good thing 
is the barb that makes it stick. What 's your opinion, 
Mr. Surface ? 

Jos. Surf. To be sure, madam, that conversation where 
the spirit of raillery is suppressed will ever appear tedious 
and insipid. 

Mar. Well, I '11 not debate how far scandal may be 
allowable ; but in a man, I am sure, it is always contemp- 
tible. We have pride, envy, rivalship, and a thousand 



The School for Scandal. 



motives to depreciate each other; but the male slanderer 

must have the cowardice of a woman before he can traduce 

one. 

Re-enter Servant. 

Ser. Madam, Mrs. Candour is below, and if your Lady- 
ship 's at leisure, will leave her carriage. 

Lady Sneer. Beg her to walk in. [Exit Servant.] 
Now, Maria, here is a character to your taste ; for though 
Mrs. Candour is a little talkative, everybody allows her to 
be the best-natured and best sort of woman. 

Mar. Yes ; with a very gross affectation of good-nature 
and benevolence, she does more mischief than the direct 
malice of old Crabtree. 

JOS. SURF. I' faith, that's true, Lady Sneerwell; when- 
ever I hear the current running against the characters of 
my friends, I never think them in such danger as when 
Candour undertakes their defence. 

Lady Sneer. Hush ! here she is ! 

Enter MRS. CANDOUR. 

MRS. Can. My dear Lady Sneerwell, how have you 
been this century? Mr. Surface, what news do you hear? 
— though indeed it is no matter, for I think one hears 
nothing else but scandal. 

JOS. SURF. Just so, indeed, ma'am. 

MRS. Can. Oh, Maria, child ! what, is the whole affair 
off between you and Charles? His extravagance, I pre- 
sume; the town talks of nothing else. 

Mar. I am very sorry, ma'am, the town has so little 
to do. 



The School for Scandal, 



31 



MRS. Can. True, true, child ; but there 's no stopping 
people's tongues. I own I was hurt to hear it, as I indeed 
was to learn from the same quarter that your guardian, 
Sir Peter, and Lady Teazle have not agreed lately as well 
as could be wished. 

Mar. 'Tis strangely impertinent for people to busy 
themselves so. 




MRS. Can. Very true, child; but what's to be done? 
People will talk ; there 's no preventing it. Why, it was 
but yesterday I was told that Miss Gadabout had eloped 
with Sir Filigree Flirt. But, Lord ! there 's no minding 
what one hears ; though, to be sure, I had this from very 
good authority. 

Mar. Such reports are highly scandalous. 

MRS. Can. So they are, child, — shameful, shameful ! 



32 The School for Scandal. 

But the world is so censorious, no character escapes. Lord, 
now, who would have suspected your friend, Miss Prim, 
of an indiscretion? Yet such is the ill-nature of people 
that they say her uncle stopped her last week just as she 
was stepping into the York Mail with her dancing-master. 

Mar. I '11 answer for 't there are no grounds for that 
report. 

Mrs. Can. Ah, no foundation in the world, I dare 
swear; no more, probably, than for the story circulated 
last month of Mrs. Festino's affair with Colonel Cassino, 
— though, to be sure, that matter was never rightly 
cleared up. 

Jos. SURF. The license of invention some people take 
is monstrous indeed. 

Mar. Tis so; but in my opinion, those who report 
such things are equally culpable. 

Mrs. Can. To be sure they are ; tale-bearers are as 
bad as the tale-makers, — 't is an old observation, and a very 
true one; but what 's to be done, as I said before? How 
will you prevent people from talking? To-day Mrs. 
Clackitt assured me Mr. and Mrs. Honeymoon were at 
last become mere man and wife, like the rest of their 
acquaintance. She likewise hinted that a certain widow 
in the next street had got rid of her dropsy and recovered 
her shape in a most surprising manner. And at the same 
time Miss Tattle, who was by, affirmed that Lord Buffalo 
had discovered his lady at a house of no extraordinary 
fame ; and that Sir Harry Bouquet and Tom Saunter were 
to measure swords on a similar provocation. But, Lord, 
do you think T would report these things? No, no! tale- 



'Miss Prim 's Uncle stopped her, " 

Act I. , page 32 



The School for Scandal. 33 

bearers, as I said before, are just as bad as the tale- 
makers. 

Jos. SURF. Ah, Mrs. Candour, if everybody had your 
forbearance and good-nature ! 

Mrs. Can. I confess, Mr. Surface, I cannot bear to 
hear people attacked behind their backs; and when ugly 
circumstances come out against our acquaintance, I own 
I always love to think the best. By the bye, I hope 't is 
not true that your brother is absolutely ruined? 

Jos. SURF. I am afraid his circumstances are very bad 
indeed, ma'am. 

MRS. Can. Ah, I heard so. But you must tell him 
to keep up his spirits ; everybody, almost, is in the same 
way: Lord Spindle, Sir Thomas Splint, Captain Quinze, 
and Mr. Nickit, — all up, I hear, within this week; so if 
Charles is undone, he '11 find half his acquaintance ruined 
too, and that, you know, is a consolation. 

Jos. SURF. Doubtless, ma'am, — a very great one. 

Re-enter Servant. 

Ser. Mr. Crabtree and Sir Benjamin Backbite. [Exit. 
Lady Sneer. So, Maria, you see your lover pursues 
you ; positively you sha'n't escape. 

Enter Crabtree and Sir Benjamin Backbite. 

Crab. Lady Sneerwell, I kiss your hand. Mrs. Can- 
dour, I don't believe you are acquainted with my nephew, 
Sir Benjamin Backbite? Egad, ma'am, he has a pretty 
wit, and is a pretty poet too. Is n't he, Lady Sneerwell? 

3 



34 The School for Scandal. 

Sir Ben. Oh, fie, uncle ! 

Crab. Nay, egad, it 's true ; I back him at a rebus or 
a charade against the best rhymer in the kingdom. Has 
your Ladyship heard the epigram he wrote last week on 
Lady Frizzle's feather catching fire? — - Do, Benjamin, 
repeat it, or the charade you made last night extempore 
at Mrs. Drowzie's conversazione. Come, now; your first 
is the name of a fish, your second a great naval com- 
mander, and — 

Sir Ben. Uncle, now — pr'ythee — 

CRAB. I' faith, ma'am, 'twould surprise you to hear how. 
ready he is at all these sort of things. 

Lady Sneer. I wonder, Sir Benjamin, you never pub- 
lish anything. 

Sir Ben. To say truth, ma'am, 't is very vulgar to 
print; and as my little productions are mostly satires and 
lampoons on particular people, I find they circulate more 
by giving copies in confidence to the friends of the parties. 
However, I have some love elegies, which, when favoured 
with this lady's smiles, I mean to give the public. 

[Pointing to Maria. 

Crab. {To Maria.] 'Fore Heaven, ma'am, they '11 
immortalize you ! You will be handed down to posterity, 
like Petrarch's Laura, or Waller's Sacharissa. 

Sir Ben. [To Maria.] Yes, madam, I think you will 
like them, when you shall see them on a beautiful quarto 
page, where a neat rivulet of text shall meander through 
a meadow of margin. 'Fore Gad, they will be the most 
elegant things of their kind. 

Crab. But, ladies, that 's true, — have you heard the 
news? 



The School for Scandal. 35 

Mrs. Can. What, sir, do you mean the report of — 

Crab. No, ma'am, that 's not it. Miss Nicely is going 
to be married to her own footman. 

MRS. Can. Impossible. 

CRAB. Ask Sir Benjamin. 

SIR Ben. 'T is very true, ma'am ; everything is fixed, 
and the wedding liveries bespoke. 

CRAB. Yes; and they do say there were pressing rea- 
sons for it. 

Lady Sneer. Why, I have heard something of this 
before. 

MRS. Can. It can't be; and I wonder any one should 
believe such a story of so prudent a lady as Miss Nicely. 

Sir Ben. O Lud, ma'am, that 's the very reason 't was 
believed at once. She has always been so cautious and so 
reserved that everybody was sure there was some reason 
for it at bottom. 

MRS. Can. Why, to be sure, a tale of scandal is as fatal 
to the credit of a prudent lady of her stamp as a fever is gener- 
ally to those of the strongest constitutions. But there is a 
sort of puny, sickly reputation, that is always ailing, yet 
will outlive the robuster characters of a hundred prudes. 

SlR Ben. True, madam, there are valetudinarians in 
reputation as well as constitution, who, being conscious 
of their weak part, avoid the least breath of air, and supply 
their want of stamina by care and circumspection. 

MRS. Can. Well, but this may be all a mistake. You 
know, Sir Benjamin, very trifling circumstances often give 
rise to the most injurious tales. 

CRAB. That they do, I '11 be sworn, ma'am. Did you 



36 The School for Scandal. 

ever hear how Miss Piper came to lose her lover and her 
character last summer at Tunbridge? Sir Benjamin, you 
remember it? 

Sir Ben. Oh, to be sure ! the most whimsical circum- 
stance. 

Lady Sneer. How was it, pray? 

Crab. Why, one evening, at Mrs. Ponto's assembly, the 
conversation happened to turn on the breeding Nova Scotia 
sheep in this country. Says a young lady in company, " I 
have known instances of it; for Miss Letitia Piper, a first 
cousin of mine, had a Nova Scotia sheep that produced her 
twins." " What," cries the Lady Dowager Dundizzy (who, 
you know, is as deaf as a post), " has Miss Piper had 
twins?" This mistake; as you may imagine, threw the 
whole company into a fit of laughter. However, 't was 
the next morning everywhere reported, and in a few days 
believed by the whole town, that Miss Letitia Piper had 
actually been brought to bed of a fine boy and a girl : 
and in less than a week there were some people who could 
name the father, and the farmhouse where the babies were 
put to nurse. 

Lady Sneer. Strange indeed ! 

Crab. Matter of fact, I assure you. O Lud, Mr. 
Surface, pray is it true that your uncle, Sir Oliver, is 
coming home? 

JOS. Surf. Not that I know of, indeed, sir. 

Crab. He has been in the East Indies a long time. You 
can scarcely remember him, I believe? Sad comfort, when- 
ever he returns, to hear how your brother has gone on. 

Jos. SURF. Charles has been imprudent, sir, to be sure; 



The School for Scandal. 37 

but I hope no busy people have already prejudiced Sir 
Oliver against him. He may reform. 

Sir Ben. To be sure he may. For my part, I never 
believed him to be so utterly void of principle as people 
say; and though he has lost all his friends, I am told 
nobody is better spoken of by the Jews. 

CRAB. That 's true, egad, nephew. If the Old Jewry 
was a ward, I believe Charles would be an alderman; 
no man more popular there, 'fore Gad ! I hear he pays 
as many annuities as the Irish tontine ; and that when- 
ever he is sick, they have prayers for the recovery of his 
health in all the synagogues. 

Sir Ben. Yet no man lives in greater splendour. They 
tell me when he entertains his friends he will sit down 
to dinner with a dozen of his own securities, have a score 
of tradesmen waiting in the antechamber, and an officer 
behind every guest's chair. 

Jos. SURF. This may be entertainment to you, gentlemen, 
but you pay very little regard to the feelings of a brother. 

Mar. [Aside.'] Their malice is intolerable ! [Aloud.] 
Lady Sneerwell, I must wish you a good-morning : I 'm 
not very well. [Exit. 

MRS. Can. Oh dear! she changes colour very much. 

Lady Sneer. Do, Mrs. Candour, follow her; she may 
want your assistance. 

Mrs. Can. That I will, with all my soul, ma'am. Poor 
dear girl, who knows what her situation may be. [Exit. 

Lady Sneer. Twas nothing but that she could not 
bear to hear Charles reflected on, notwithstanding their 
difference. 



38 The School for Scandal. 

Sir Ben. The young lady's 'penchant is obvious. 

Crab. But, Benjamin, you must not give up the pur- 
suit for that; follow her, and put her into good-humour. 
Repeat her some of your own verses. Come, I '11 assist you. 

Sir Ben. Mr. Surface, I did not mean to hurt you ; but 
depend on 't, your brother is utterly undone. 

Crab. O Lud, ay, undone as ever man was, — can't 



raise a guinea 



Sir Ben. And everything sold, I 'm told, that was 
movable. 

Crab. I have seen one that was at his house. Not 
a thing left but some empty bottles that were overlooked, 
and the family pictures, which, I believe, are framed in the 
wainscots. 

Sir Ben. And I 'm very sorry also to hear some bad 
stories against him. [Going. 

Crab. Oh, he has done many mean things, that 's certain. 

Sir Ben. But, however, as he 's your brother — [Going. 

Crab. We '11 tell you all another opportunity. 

[Exeunt Crabtree and Sir Benjamin. 

Lady Sneer. Ha, ha ! 't is very hard for them to leave 
a subject they have not quite run down. 

Jos. SURF. And I believe the abuse was no more accept- 
able to your Ladyship than Maria. 

Lady Sneer. I doubt her affections are further engaged 
than we imagine. But the family are to be here this even- 
ing, so you may as well dine where you are, and we shall 
have an opportunity of observing further; in the mean time, 
I '11 go and plot mischief, and you shall study sentiment. 

[Exeunt. 




^# 




The School for Scandal. 41 

Scene II. — A Room in Sir Peter Teazle's House. 
Enter Sir Peter Teazle. 

Sir Pet. When an did bachelor marries a young wife, 
what is he to expect? 'Tis now six months since Lady 
Teazle made me the happiest of men — and I have been 
the most miserable dog ever since ! We tiffed a little going 
to church, and fairly quarrelled before the bells had done 
ringing. I was more than once nearly choked with gall 
during the honeymoon, and had lost all comfort in life 
before my friends had done wishing me joy. Yet I chose 
with caution, — a girl bred wholly in the country, who 
never knew luxury beyond one silk gown, nor dissipation 
above the annual gala of a race ball. Yet she now 
plays her part in all the extravagant fopperies of fashion 
and the town with as ready a grace as if she never had 
seen a bush or a grass-plot out of Grosvenor Square. 
I am sneered at by all my acquaintance, and paragraphed 
in the newspapers. She dissipates my fortune, and con- 
tradicts all my humours; yet the worst of it is, I doubt 
I love her, or I should never bear all this. However, I '11 
never be weak enough to own it. 

Enter Rowley. 

Row. Oh, Sir Peter, your servant; how is it with you, 
sir? 

Sir Pet. Very bad, Master Rowley, very bad. I meet 
with nothing but crosses and vexations. 



42 The School for Scandal. 

Row. What can have happened since yesterday? 

Sir Pet. A good question to a married man ! 

Row. Nay, I 'm sure, Sir Peter, your lady can't be the 
cause of your uneasiness. 

SIR Pet. Why, has anybody told you she was dead? 

Row. Come, come, Sir Peter, you love her, notwith- 
standing your tempers don't exactly agree. 

SIR Pet. But the fault is entirely hers, Master Rowley. 
I am myself the sweetest-tempered man alive, and hate a 
teasing temper; and so I tell her a hundred times a day. 

ROW. Indeed. 

Sir Pet. Ay; and what is very extraordinary, in all 
our disputes she is always in the wrong ! But Lady Sneer- 
well and the set she meets at her house encourage the 
perverseness of her disposition. Then, to complete my 
vexation, Maria, my ward, whom I ought to have the 
power of a father over, is determined to turn rebel too, 
and absolutely refuses the man whom I have long resolved 
on for her husband, — meaning, I suppose, to bestow herself 
on his profligate brother. 

Row. You know, Sir Peter, I have always taken the 
liberty to differ with you on the subject of these two 
young gentlemen. I only wish you may not be deceived 
in your opinion of the elder. For Charles, my life on 't ! 
he will retrieve his errors yet. Their worthy father, once 
my honoured master, was, at his years, nearly as wild a 
spark; yet when he died, he did not leave a more benevo- 
lent heart to lament his loss. 

Sir Pet. You are wrong, Master Rowley. On their 
father's death, you know, I acted as a kind of guardian 



The School for Scandal. 43 

to them both, till their uncle Sir Oliver's liberality gave 
them an early independence; of course no person could 
have more opportunities of judging of their hearts, and 
I was never mistaken in my life. Joseph is indeed a model 
for the young men of the age. He is a man of sentiment, 
and acts up to the sentiments he professes ; but, for the 
other, take my word for 't, if he had any grain of virtue 
by descent, he has dissipated it with the rest of his inherit- 
ance. Ah, my old friend, Sir Oliver, will be deeply mor- 
tified when he finds how part of his bounty has been 
misapplied. 

Row. I am sorry to find you so violent against the 
young man, because this may be the most critical period of 
his fortune. I came hither with news that will surprise you. 

Sir Pet. What? let me hear. 

Row. Sir Oliver is arrived, and at this moment in 
town. 

SIR Pet. How ! you astonish me ! I thought you did 
not expect him this month. 

Row. I did not; but his passage has been remarkably 
quick. 

Sir Pet. Egad, I shall rejoice to see my old friend. 
'Tis sixteen years since we met. We have had many a 
day together; but does he still enjoin us not to inform 
his nephews of his arrival? 

Row. Most strictly. He means, before it is known, to 
make some trial of their dispositions. 

Sir Pet. Ah, there needs no art to discover their 
merits; however, he shall have his way; but, pray, does 
he know I am married? 



44 The School for Scandal. 

Row. Yes, and will soon wish you joy. 

SIR Pet. What, as we drink health to a friend in a 
consumption ! Ah, Oliver will laugh at me. We used to 
rail at matrimony together, but he has been steady to his 
text. Well, he must be soon at my house, though — I'll 
instantly give orders for his reception. But, Master 
Rowley, don't drop a word that Lady Teazle and I ever 
disagree. 

Row. By no means. 

Sir Pet. For I should never be able to stand Noll's 
jokes ; so I '11 have him think, Lord forgive me ! that we 
are a very happy couple. 

Row. I understand you ; but then you must be very 
careful not to differ while he is in the house with you. 

SIR Pet. Egad, and so we must — and that 's impossible. 
Ah, Master Rowley, when an old bachelor marries a young 
wife, he deserves — no, the crime carries its punishment 
along with it. \_Exeunt. 




Scene I. — A Room in Sir Peter Teazle's House. 
Enter Sir Peter and Lady Teazle. 

Sir Pet. Lady Teazle, Lady Teazle, I '11 not bear it ! 

LADY TEAZ. Sir Peter, Sir Peter, you may bear it or 
not, as you please ; but I ought to have my own way 
in everything, and what 's more, I will too. What ! though 
I was educated in the country, I know very well that 
women of fashion in London are accountable to nobody 
after they are married. 

SlR Pet. Very well, ma'am, very well ; so a husband is 
to have no influence, no authority? 

Lady Teaz. Authority ! No, to be sure. If you 
wanted authority over me, you should have adopted me, 
and not married me ; I am sure you were old enough. 



46 The School for Scandal. 

Sir Pet. Old enough ! ay, there it is. Well, well, 
Lady Teazle, though my life may be made unhappy by 
your temper, I '11 not be ruined by your extravagance. 

Lady Teaz. My extravagance ! I 'm sure I 'm not 
more extravagant than a woman of fashion ought to be. 

Sir Pet. No, no, madam, you shall throw away no 
more sums on such unmeaning luxury. 'S life ! to spend 
as much to furnish your dressing-room with flowers in 
winter as would suffice to turn the Pantheon into a green- 
house, and give a fete champetre at Christmas. 

Lady Teaz. And am I to blame, Sir Peter, because 
flowers are dear in cold weather? You should find fault 
with the climate, and not with me. For my part, I 'm sure 
I wish it was spring all the year round, and that roses grew 
under our feet. 

Sir Pet. Oons, madam ! if you had been born to 
this, I should n't wonder at your talking thus ; but you for- 
get what your situation was when I married you. 

Lady Teaz. No, no, I don't; 't was a very disagreeable 
one, or I should never have married you. 

Sir Pet. Yes, yes, madam, you were then in somewhat 
a humbler style, — the daughter of a plain country squire. 
Recollect, Lady Teazle, when I saw you first sitting at your 
tambour, in a pretty figured linen gown, with a bunch of 
keys at your side, your hair combed smooth over a roll, 
and your apartment hung round with fruits in worsted, 
of your own working. 

Lady Teaz. Oh, yes, I remember it very well, and 
a curious life I led. My daily occupation to inspect 
the dairy, superintend the poultry, make extracts from 



The School for Scandal, 47 

the family receipt-book, and comb my Aunt Deborah's 
lapdog. 

Sir Pet. Yes, yes, ma'am, 't was so indeed. 

LADY TEAZ. And then, you know, my evening amuse- 
ments ! To draw patterns for ruffles, which I had not 
materials to make up ; to play Pope Joan with the curate ; 
to read a sermon to my aunt ; or to be stuck down to an 
old spinet to strum my father to sleep after a fox-chase. 

SIR Pet. I am glad you have so good a memory. Yes, 
madam, these were the recreations I took you from; but 
now you must have your coach — vis-a-vis — and three 
powdered footmen before your chair ; and in the summer, 
a pair of white cats to draw you to Kensington Gardens. 
No recollection, I suppose, when you were content to ride 
double, behind the butler, on a docked coach-horse. 

Lady Teaz. No, I swear I never did that ; I deny the 
butler and the coach-horse. 

Sir Pet. This, madam, was your situation ; and what 
have I done for you? I have made you a woman of 
fashion, of fortune, of rank, — in short, I have made you 
my wife. 

Lady Teaz. Well, then, and there is but one thing more 
you can make me to add to the obligation, that is — 

Sir Pet. My widow, I suppose? 

Lady Teaz. Hem ! hem ! 

Sir Pet. I thank you, madam; but don't flatter 
yourself, for though your ill conduct may disturb my 
peace of mind, it shall never break my heart, I promise 
you. However, I am equally obliged to you for the hint. 

Lady Teaz. Then why will you endeavour to make 



48 The School for Scandal. 

yourself so disagreeable to me, and thwart me in every 
little elegant expense? 

Sir Pet. 'S life, madam, I say, had you any of these 
little elegant expenses when you married me? 

Lady TEx\z. Lud, Sir Peter ! would you have me be 
out of the fashion? 

Sir Pet. The fashion, indeed ! what had you to do with 
the fashion before you married me? 

Lady Teaz. For my part, I should think you would 
like to have your wife thought a woman of taste. 

Sir Pet. Ay, there again, — taste ! Zounds, madam, 
you had no taste when you married me ! 

Lady Teaz. That 's very true, indeed, Sir Peter ; and 
after having married you, I should never pretend to taste 
again, I allow. But now, Sir Peter, since we have finished 
our daily jangle, I presume I may go to my engagement 
at Lady Sneerwell's. 

Sir Pet. Ay, there 's another precious circumstance ; a 
charming set of acquaintance you have made there ! 

Lady Teaz. Nay, Sir Peter, they are all people of rank 
and fortune, and remarkably tenacious of reputation. 

Sir Pet. Yes, egad, they are tenacious of reputation 
with a vengeance; for they don't choose anybody should 
have a character but themselves ! Such a crew ! Ah, 
many a wretch has rid on a hurdle who has done less 
mischief than these utterers of forged tales, coiners of 
scandal, and clippers of reputation. 

LADY Teaz. What, would you restrain the freedom of 
speech? 

Sir Pet. Ah, they have made you just as bad as any 
one of the society. 



The School for Scandal. 49 

Lady Teaz. Why, I believe I do bear a part with a 
tolerable grace. 

Sir Pet. Grace indeed ! 

LADY Teaz. But I vow I bear no malice against the 
people I abuse. When I say an ill-natured thing, 't is out of 
pure good-humour; and I take it for granted they deal 
exactly in the same manner with me. But, Sir Peter, 
you know you promised to come to Lady Sneerwell's 
too. 

SIR Pet. Well, well, I '11 call in, just to look after my 
own character. 

Lady Teaz. Then, indeed, you must make haste after 
me, or you '11 be too late. So good-by to ye. [Exit. 

Sir Pet. So — I have gained much by my intended 
expostulation. Yet with what a charming air she con- 
tradicts everything I say, and how pleasantly she shows 
her contempt for my authority ! Well, though I can't 
make her love me, there is great satisfaction in quarrelling 
with her ; and I think she never appears to such advantage 
as when she is doing everything in her power to plague 
me. [Exit. 

Scene II. — A Room in Lady Sneerwell's House. 

Lady Sneerwell, Mrs. Candour, Crabtree, Sir Ben- 
jamin Backbite, and Joseph Surface discovered. 

Lady Sneer. Nay, positively, we will hear it. 

Jos. SURF. Yes, yes ; the epigram, by all means. 

Sir Ben. Oh, plague on 't, uncle ! 'tis mere nonsense. 

Crab. No, no ; 'fore Gad, very clever for an extempore ! 

4 



5o 



The School for Scandal. 



Sir Ben. But, ladies, you should be acquainted with the 
circumstance. You must know that one day last week, 
as Lady Betty Curricle was taking the dust in Hyde Park, 
in a sort of duodecimo phaeton, she desired me to write 
some verses on her ponies; upon which I took out 
my pocket-book, and in one moment produced the 
following : — 

Sure never were seen two such beautiful ponies; 
Other horses are clowns, but these macaronies. 
To give them this title I 'm sure can't be wrong, 
Their legs are so slim, and their tails are so long. 

Crab. There, ladies, done in the 
smack of a whip, and on horseback 
too. 

Jos. Surf. A very Phcebus, mounted, 
indeed, Sir Benjamin ! 

SIR Ben. Oh dear, sir! trifles, 
trifles. 

Enter Lady Teazle and Maria. 

Mrs. Can. I must have a copy. 
Lady Sneer. Lady Teazle, I hope 
we shall see Sir Peter? 

Lady Teaz. I believe he '11 wait on your Ladyship 
presently. 

Lady Sneer. Maria, my love, you look grave. Come, 
you shall sit down to piquet with Mr. Surface. 

Mar. I take very little pleasure in cards ; however, 
I '11 do as your Ladyship pleases. 




The School for Scandal. 53 

Lady Teaz. I am surprised Mr. Surface should sit down 
with her ; I thought he would have embraced this opportu- 
nity of speaking to me before Sir Peter came. \Aside. 

Mrs. Can. Now, I '11 die ; but you are so scandalous, 
I '11 forswear your society. 

Lady Teaz. What's the matter, Mrs. Candour? 

MRS. Can. They '11 not allow our friend Miss Vermilion 
to be handsome. 

Lady Sneer. Oh, surely she is a pretty woman. 

Crab. I am very glad you think so, ma'am. 

Mrs. Can. She has a charming fresh colour. 

Lady Teaz. Yes, when it is fresh put on. 

Mrs. Can. . Oh, fie ! I '11 swear her colour is natural ; I 
have seen it come and go. 

Lady Teaz. I dare swear you have, ma'am ; it goes off 
at night, and comes again in the morning. 

Sir Ben. True, ma'am, it not only comes and goes, 
but what 's more, egad, her maid can fetch and carry it ! 

MRS. Can. Ha, ha, ha! how I hate to hear you talk 
so ! But surely, now, her sister is, or was, very hand- 
some. 

Crab. Who, — Mrs. Evergreen? O Lord! she's six- 
and-fifty if she 's an hour. 

Mrs. Can. Now positively you wrong her; fifty-two or 
fifty-three is the utmost — and I don't think she looks 
more. 

Sir Ben. Ah, there 's no judging by her looks, unless 
one could see her face. 

Lady Sneer. Well, well, if Mrs. Evergreen does take 
some pains to repair the ravages of time, you must allow 



54 The School for Scandal. 

she effects it with great ingenuity; and surely that's better 
than the careless manner in which the Widow Ochre caulks 
her wrinkles. 

Sir Ben. Nay, now, Lady Sneerwell, you are severe 
upon the widow. Come, come, 't is not that she paints so 
ill, but when she has finished her face, she joins it on so 
badly to her neck that she looks like a mended statue, in 
which the connoisseur may see at once that the head is 
modern, though the trunk 's antique. 

Crab. Ha, ha, ha ! Well said, nephew ! 

Mrs. Can. Ha, ha, ha ! Well, you make me laugh ; 
but I vow I hate you for it. What do you think of Miss 
Simper? 

Sir Ben. Why, she has very pretty teeth. 

Lady Teaz. Yes ; and on that account, when she is 
neither speaking nor laughing (which very seldom happens), 
she never absolutely shuts her mouth, but leaves it always 
on a-jar, as it were, — thus. [Shows her teeth. 

Mrs. Can. How can you be so ill-natured? 

Lady Teaz. Nay, I allow even that's better than the 
pains Mrs. Prim takes to conceal her losses in front She 
draws her mouth till it positively resembles the aperture of 
a poor's-box, and all her words appear to slide out edge- 
wise, as it were, — thus : How do yotc do, madam ? Yes, 
madam. \_Mimics. 

Lady Sneer. Very well, Lady Teazle ; I see you can 
be a little severe. 

Lady Teaz. In defence of a friend it is but justice. But 
here comes Sir Peter to spoil our pleasantry. 



. The School for Scandal. 55 

Enter Sir Peter Teazle. 

Sir Pet. Ladies, your most obedient. [Aside.'] Mercy 
on me, here is the whole set ! a character dead at every 
word, I suppose. 

Mrs. Can. I am rejoiced you are come, Sir Peter. 
They have been so censorious, and Lady Teazle as bad as 
any one. 

Sir Pet. That must be very distressing to you indeed, 
Mrs. Candour. 

Mrs. Can. Oh, they will allow good qualities to no- 
body ; not even good-nature to our friend, Mrs. Pursy. 

Lady Teaz. What, the fat dowager who was at Mrs. 
Quadrille's last night? 

Mrs. Can. Nay, her bulk is her misfortune; and when 
she takes so much pains to get rid of it, you ought not to 
reflect on her. 

Lady Sneer. That 's very true, indeed. 

Lady Teaz. Yes, I know she almost lives on acids and 
small whey; laces herself by pulleys; and often in the 
hottest noon in summer you may see her on a little squat 
pony, with her hair plaited up behind like a drummer's and 
puffing round the Ring on a full trot. 

Mrs. Can. I thank you, Lady Teazle, for defending her. 

Sir Pet. Yes, a good defence, truly. 

MRS. Can. Truly, Lady Teazle is as censorious as Miss 
Sallow. 

CRAB. Yes, and she is a curious being to pretend to be 
censorious, — an awkward gawky, without any one good 
point under heaven. 



56 The School for Scandal. 

MRS. Can. Positively you shall not be so very severe. 
Miss Sallow is a near relation of mine by marriage, and as 
for her person, great allowance is to be made ; for let me 
tell you, a woman labours under many disadvantages who 
tries to pass for a girl of six-and-thirty. 

Lady Sneer. Though, surely, she is handsome still; 
and for the weakness in her eyes, considering how much 
she reads by candlelight, it is not to be wondered at. 

MRS. Can. True, and then as to her manner ; upon my 
word, I think it is particularly graceful, considering she 
never had the least education, — for you know her mother 
was a Welsh milliner, and her father a sugar-baker at 
Bristol. 

Sir Ben. Ah, you are both of you too good-natured. 

Sir Pet. Yes, damned good-natured ! This their own 
relation! mercy on me! \_Aside. 

Mrs. Can. For my part, I own I cannot bear to hear 
a friend ill spoken of. 

Sir Pet. No, to be sure! 

Sir Ben. Oh, you are of a moral turn. Mrs. Can- 
dour and I can sit for an hour and hear Lady Stucco talk 
sentiment. 

Lady Teaz. Nay, I vow Lady Stucco is very well with 
the dessert after dinner ; for she 's just like the French fruit 
one cracks for mottoes, — made up of paint and proverb. 

Mrs. Can. Well, I will never join in ridiculing a 
friend ; and so I constantly tell my cousin Ogle, and 
you all know what pretensions she has to be critical on 
beauty. 

Crab. Oh, to be sure ! she has herself the oddest coun- 



The School for Scandal. 57 

tenance that ever was seen ; 't is a collection of features 
from all the different countries of the globe. 

Sir Ben. So she has, indeed, — an Irish front, — 

Crab. Caledonian locks — 

Sir Ben. Dutch nose — 

Crab. Austrian lips — 

Sir Ben. Complexion of a Spaniard — 

CRAB. And teeth a la Chinoise — 

Sir Ben. In short, her face resembles a table d'hote at 
Spa, — where no two guests are of a nation — 

Crab. Or a Congress at the close of a general war, — 
wherein all the members, even to her eyes, appear to have 
a different interest, and her nose and chin are the only par- 
ties likely to join issue. 

Mrs. Can. Ha, ha, ha! 

Sir Pet. Mercy on my life ! a person they dine with 
twice a week ! [Aside. 

MRS. Can. Nay, but I vow you shall not carry the laugh 
off so, for give me leave to say that Mrs. Ogle — 

SIR Pet. Madam, madam, I beg your pardon ; there 's 
no stopping these good gentlemen's tongues. But when I 
tell you, Mrs. Candour, that the lady they are abusing is a 
particular friend of mine, I hope you '11 not take her part. 

Lady Sneer. Ha, ha, ha! well said, Sir Peter! but 
you are a cruel creature, — too phlegmatic yourself for a 
jest, and too peevish to allow wit in others. 

Sir Pet. Ah. madam, true wit is more nearly allied to 
good-nature than your Ladyship is aware of. 

Lady TEAZ. True, Sir Peter ; I believe they are so near 
akin that they can never be united. 



58 The School for Scandal. 

SIR Ben. Or rather, suppose them man and wife, be- 
cause one seldom sees them together. 

Lady Teaz. But Sir Peter is such an enemy to scandal, 
I believe he would have it put down by Parliament. 

Sir Pet. 'Fore Heaven, madam, if they were to consider 
the sporting with reputation of as much importance as 
poaching on manors, and pass an act for the preservation 
of fame as well as game, I believe many would thank them 
for the bill. 

Lady Sneer. O Lud, Sir Peter ! would you deprive 
us of our privileges? 

Sir Pet. Ay, madam; and then no person should be 
permitted to kill characters and run down reputations but 
qualified old maids and disappointed widows. 

Lady Sneer. Go, you monster ! 

Mrs. Can. But, surely, you would not be quite so se- 
vere on those who only report what they hear? 

Sir Pet. Yes, madam, I would have law merchant for 
them too ; and in all cases of slander currency, whenever 
the drawer of the lie was not to be found, the injured par- 
ties should have a right to come on any of the indorsers. 

Crab. Well, for my part, I believe there never was a 
scandalous tale without some foundation. 

Lady Sneer. Come, ladies, shall we sit down to cards 
in the next room ? 

Enter Servant, who whispers Sir Peter. 

Sir Pet. I '11 be with them directly. [Exit Ser- 
vant.] I '11 get away unperceived. [Aside. 



The School for Scandal. 



59 



Lady Sneer. Sir Peter, you are not going to leave us? 

Sir Pet. Your Ladyship. must excuse me; I'm called 
away by particular business. But I leave my character 
behind me. \_Exit. 

Sir Ben. Well, certainly, Lady Teazle, that lord of 
yours is a strange being; I could tell you some stories 
of him would make you laugh heartily, if he 
were not your husband. 

Lady Teaz. Oh, pray don't mind that; 

come, do let's hear them. [Exeunt all but 

Joseph Surface and Maria. 

Jos. Surf. Maria, I see you have no satis- 
faction in this society. 

Mar. How is it possible I should? 
If to raise malicious smiles at the in- 
firmities or misfortunes of those who 
have never injured us be the province 
of wit or humour, Heaven grant me 
a double portion of dulness ! 

Jos. SURF. Yet they appear more 
ill-natured than they are; they have 
no malice at heart. 

Mar. Then is their conduct still 
more contemptible; for in my opin- 
ion nothing could excuse the intemperance of their 
tongues but a natural and uncontrollable bitterness of 
mind. 

Jos. Surf. Undoubtedly, madam; and it has always 
been a sentiment of mine, that to propagate a malicious 
truth wantonly is more despicable than to falsify from 




60 The School for Scandal. 

revenge. But can you, Maria, feel thus for others and 
be unkind to me alone? Is hope to be denied the tender- 
est passion? 

Mar. Why will you distress me by renewing this 
subject? 

JOS. SURF. Ah, Maria, you would not treat me thus, 
and oppose your guardian Sir Peter's will, but that I see 
that profligate Charles is still a favoured rival. 

Mar. Ungenerously urged ! But whatever my senti- 
ments are for that unfortunate young man, be assured I 
shall not feel more bound to give him up because his 
distresses have lost him the regard even of a brother. 

Jos. SURF. Nay, but, Maria, do not leave me with a 
frown ; by all that 's honest, I swear — [Kneels. 

Re-enter Lady Teazle behind. 

[Aside.] Gad's life, here's Lady Teazle. [Aloud to MA- 
RIA.] You must not, — no, you shall not ! for though I 
have the greatest regard for Lady Teazle — 

Mar. Lady Teazle ! 

Jos. Surf. Yet were Sir Peter to suspect — 

Lady Teaz. [Coming forward^ What is this, pray? 
Does he take her for me? Child, you are wanted in the 
next room. [Exit MARIA.] What is all this, pray? 

Jos. Surf. Oh, the most unlucky circumstance in na- 
ture! Maria has somehow suspected the tender concern 
I have for your happiness, and threatened to acquaint Sir 
Peter with her suspicions, and I was just endeavouring 
to reason with her when you came in. 



The School for Scandal. 61 

Lady Teaz. Indeed ! but you seemed to adopt a very 
tender mode of reasoning. Do you usually argue on your 
knees? 

Jos. Surf. Oh, she 's a child, and I thought a little 
bombast — But, Lady Teazle, when are you to give me 
your judgment on my library, as you promised? 

Lady Teaz. No, no; I begin to think it would be 
imprudent, and you know I admit you as a lover no farther 
than fashion requires. 

Jos. Surf. True ; a mere Platonic cicisbeo, — what every 
wife is entitled to. 

Lady Teaz. Certainly ; one must not be out of the 
fashion. However, I have so many of my country preju- 
dices left that though Sir Peter's ill-humour may vex me 
ever so, it never shall provoke me to — 

Jos. SURF. The only revenge in your power. Well, 
I applaud your moderation. 

Lady Teaz. Go ; you are an insinuating wretch ! But 
we shall be missed ; let us join the company. 

JOS. SURF. But we had best not return together. 

Lady Teaz. Well, don't stay; for Maria sha'n't come 
to hear any more of your reasoning, I promise you. [Exit. 

JOS. SURF. A curious dilemma, truly, my politics have 
run me into ! I wanted at first only to ingratiate myself 
with Lady Teazle, that she might not be my enemy with 
Maria ; and I have, I don't know how, become her serious 
lover. Sincerely I begin to wish I had never made such 
a point of gaining so very good a character, for it has led 
me into so many cursed rogueries that I doubt I shall 
be exposed at last. [Exit. 



62 The School for Scandal, 

Scene III. — A Room in Sir Peter Teazle's House. 
Enter Sir Oliver Surface and Rowley. 

Sir Oliv. Ha, ha, ha ! so my old friend is married, 
hey? — a young wife out of the country. Ha, ha, ha ! that 
he should have stood bluff to old bachelor so long, and 
sink into a husband at last ! 

Row. But you must not rally him on the subject, Sir 
Oliver; 'tis a tender point, I assure you, though he has 
been married only seven months. 

SIR Oliv. Then he has been just half a year on the 
stool of repentance ! Poor Peter ! But you say he has 
entirely given up Charles; never sees him, hey? 

Row. His prejudice against him is astonishing, and I 
am sure greatly increased by a jealousy of him with Lady 
Teazle, which he has industriously been led into by a scan- 
dalous society in the neighbourhood, who have contributed 
not a little to Charles's ill name. Whereas the truth is, 
I believe, if the lady is partial to either of them, his brother 
is the favourite. 

Sir Oliv. Ay, I know there are a set of malicious, 
prating, prudent gossips, both male and female, who murder 
characters to kill time, and will rob a young fellow of his 
good name before he has years to know the value of it. 
But I am not to be prejudiced against my nephew by such, 
I promise you. No, no ; if Charles has done nothing false 
or mean, I shall compound for his extravagance. 

Row. Then, my life on 't ! you will reclaim him. Ah, 
sir, it gives me new life to find that your heart is not turned 



The School for Scandal. 65 



against him, and that the son of my good old master has 
one friend, however, left. 

SIR Oliv. What ! shall I forget, Master Rowley, when 
I was at his years myself ? Egad, my brother and I were 
neither of us very prudent youths ; and yet, I believe, you 
have not seen many better men than your old master 
was? 

Row. Sir, 't is this reflection gives me assurance that 
Charles may yet be a credit to his family. But here comes 
Sir Peter. 

Sir Oliv. Egad, so he does ! Mercy on me ! he 's 
greatly altered, and seems to have a settled, married look. 
One may read " husband " in his face at this distance. 

Enter Sir Peter Teazle. 

Sir Pet. Ha! Sir Oliver, — my old friend. Welcome 
to England a thousand times ! 

Sir Oliv. Thank you, thank you, Sir Peter ! and, i' faith, 
I am glad to find you well, believe me. 

Sir Pet. Oh, 't is a long time since we met, — fifteen 
years, I doubt, Sir Oliver, — and many a cross accident 
in the time. 

Sir Oliv. Ay, I have had my share. But, what! I 
find you are married, hey, my old boy? Well, well, it 
can't be helped ; and so — I wish you joy with all my 
heart ! 

Sir Pet. Thank you, thank you, Sir Oliver. Yes, I 
have entered into — the happy state ; but we '11 not talk 
of that now. 

5 



66 The School for Scandal. 

Sir Oliv. True, true, Sir Peter; old friends should not 
begin on grievances at first meeting. No, no, no ! 

ROW. [Aside to Sir Oliver.] Take care, pray, sir. 

Sir Oliv. Well, so one of my nephews is a wild rogue, 
hey? 

Sir Pet. Wild ! Ah, my old friend ! I grieve for your 
disappointment there; he 's a lost young man indeed. 
However, his brother will make you amends. Joseph is, 
indeed, what a youth should be ; everybody in the world 
speaks well of him. 

SIR Oliv. I am sorry to hear it; he has too good 
a character to be an honest fellow. Everybody speaks 
well of him ! Pshaw ! then he has bowed as low to knaves 
and fools as to the honest dignity of genius and virtue. 

Sir Pet. What, Sir Oliver ! do you blame him for not 
making enemies? 

Sir Oliv. Yes, if he has merit enough to deserve them. 

Sir Pet. Well, well, you '11 be convinced when you 
know him. 'T is edification to hear him converse ; he pro- 
fesses the noblest sentiments. 

Sir Oliv. Oh, plague of his sentiments ! If he salutes 
me with a scrap of morality in his mouth, I shall be sick 
directly. But, however, don't mistake me, Sir Peter. I 
don't mean to defend Charles's errors; but before I form 
my judgment of either of them, I intend to make a trial 
of their hearts ; and my friend Rowley and I have planned 
something for the purpose. 

Row. And Sir Peter shall own for once he has been 
mistaken. 

Sir Pet. Oh, my life on Joseph's honour ! 



The School for Scandal. 67 

Sir Oliv. Well, come, give us a bottle of good 
wine, and we '11 drink the- lad's health, and tell you 
our scheme. 

Sir Pet. Allons, then. 

Sir Oliv. And don't, Sir Peter, be so severe against 
your old friend's son. Odds my life ! I am not sorry that 
he has run out of the course a little. For my part, I hate 
to see prudence clinging to the green suckers of youth ; 
't is like ivy round a sapling, and spoils the growth of the 
tree. [Exeunt. 




Scene I. — A Room in Sir Peter Teazle's House. 



Enter Sir Peter Teazle, Sir Oliver Surface, and 

Rowley. 

Sir Pet. Well, then, we will see this fellow first, and 
have our wine afterwards. But how is this, Master Rowley? 
I don't see the jet of your scheme. 

Row. Why, sir, this Mr. Stanley, whom I was speaking 
of, is nearly related to them by their mother. He was 
once a merchant in Dublin, but has been ruined by a 
series of undeserved misfortunes. He has applied by 
letter, since his confinement, both to Mr. Surface and 
Charles: from the former he has received nothing but 
evasive promises of future service, while Charles has done 
all that his extravagance has left him power to do ; and 
he is at this time endeavouring to raise a sum of money, 



The School for Scandal. 69 

part of which, in the midst of his own distresses, I know he 
intends for the service of poor Stanley. 
SIR Oliv. Ah, he is my brother's son. 
Sir Pet. Well, but how is Sir Oliver personally to — 
Row. Why, sir, I will inform Charles and his brother 
that Stanley has obtained permission to apply personally 
to his friends; and as they have neither of them ever 
seen him, let Sir Oliver assume his character, and he 
will have a fair opportunity of judging, at least, of the 
benevolence of their dispositions. And believe me, sir, 
you will find in the youngest brother one who, in the 
midst of folly and dissipation, has still, as our immortal 
bard expresses it, — 

" a heart to pity, and a hand 
Open as day, for melting charity." 

SIR Pet. Pshaw ! What signifies his having an open 
hand or purse either, when he has nothing left to give? 
Well, well, make the trial, if you please. But where is 
the fellow whom you brought for Sir Oliver to examine 
relative to Charles's affairs? 

Row. Below, waiting his commands; and no one can 
give him better intelligence. This, Sir Oliver, is a friendly 
Jew, who, to do him justice, has done everything in his 
power to bring your nephew to a proper sense of his 
extravagance. 

Sir Pet. Pray let us have him in. 

Row. Desire Mr. Moses to walk upstairs. 

[Calls to Servant. 

Sir Pet. But pray why should you suppose he will 
speak the truth? 



7o 



The School for Scandal. 



Row. Oh, I have convinced him that he has no chance 
of recovering certain sums advanced to Charles but through 
the bounty of Sir Oliver, who he knows is arrived ; so that 
you may depend on his fidelity to his own interests. I 
have also another evidence in my power, one Snake, whom 
I have detected in a matter little short of 
forgery, and shall shortly produce to remove 
some of your prejudices, Sir Peter, relative 
to Charles and Lady Teazle. 

Sir Pet. I have heard too much on that 
subject. 

Row. Here comes the honest Israelite. 

Enter Moses. 

This is Sir Oliver. 

Sir Oliv. Sir, I understand you have 
lately had great dealings with my nephew 
Charles. 

Mos. Yes, Sir Oliver, I have done all I 
could for him ; but he was ruined before he came to me 
for assistance. 

Sir Oliv. That was unlucky, truly; for you have had 
no opportunity of showing your talents. 

Mos. None at all ; I had n't the pleasure of knowing 
his distresses till he was some thousands worse than 
nothing. 

Sir Oliv. Unfortunate, indeed ! But I suppose you 
have done all in your power for him, honest Moses? 
Mos. Yes ; he knows that. This very evening I was 




The School for Scandal. 73 

to have brought him a gentleman from the city, who does 
not know him, and will, I believe, advance him some 
money. 

Sir Pet. What, one Charles has never had money 
from before? 

Mos. Yes, Mr. Premium, of Crutched Friars, formerly a 
broker. 

SIR Pet. Egad, Sir Oliver, a thought strikes me ! 
Charles, you say, does not know Mr. Premium? 

MOS. Not at all. 

Sir Pet. Now, then, Sir Oliver, you may have a better 
opportunity of satisfying yourself than by an old romancing 
tale of a poor relation ; go with my friend Moses and rep- 
resent Premium, and then, I '11 answer for it, you '11 see 
your nephew in all his glory. 

Sir Oliv. Egad, I like this idea better than the other, 
and I may visit Joseph afterwards as old Stanley. 

Sir Pet. True; so you may. 

Row. Well, this is taking Charles rather at a disadvan- 
tage, to be sure. However, Moses, you understand Sir 
Peter, and will be faithful. 

MOS. You may depend upon me. [Looks at his watch.] 
This is near the time I was to have gone. 

Sir Oliv. I '11 accompany you as soon as you please, 
Moses — But, hold ! I have forgot one thing, — how the 
plague shall I be able to pass for a Jew? 

Mos. There 's no need ; the principal is Christian. 

SIR Oliv. Is he? I'm very sorry to hear it. But 
then again, an't I rather too smartly dressed to look like 
a money-lender? 



74 The School for Scandal. 

SIR Pet. Not at all; 'twould not be out of character 
if you went in your own carriage, would it, Moses? 

MOS. Not in the least 

Sir Oliv. Well, but how must I talk? There's cer- 
tainly some cant of usury and mode of treating that I 
ought to know. 

Sir Pet. Oh, there 's not much to learn. The great 
point, as I take it, is to be exorbitant enough in your 
demands. Hey, Moses? 

MOS. Yes, that 's a very great point. 

Sir Oliv. I '11 answer for 't I '11 not be wanting in 
that. I '11 ask him eight or ten per cent on the loan, 
at least. 

MOS. If you ask him no more than that, you '11 be 
discovered immediately. 

Sir Oliv. Hey! what, the plague! how much, then? 

MOS. That depends upon the circumstances. If he 
appears not very anxious for the supply, you should re- 
quire only forty or fifty per cent; but if you find him in 
great distress, and want the moneys very bad, you may 
ask double. 

Sir Pet. A good honest trade you 're learning, Sir 
Oliver. 

Sir Oliv. Truly, I think so — and not unprofitable. 

MOS. Then, you know, you have n't the moneys your- 
self, but are forced to borrow them for him of a friend. 

SIR Oliv. Oh, I borrow it of a friend, do I? 

MOS. And your friend is an unconscionable dog; but 
you can't help that. 

Sir Oliv. My friend an unconscionable dog, is he? 



The School for Scandal. 75 

Mos. Yes, and he himself has not the moneys by him, 
but is forced to sell stock at a great loss. 

Sir Oliv. He is forced to sell stock at a great loss, is 
he? Well, that's very kind of him. 

Sir Pet. V faith, Sir Oliver, — Mr. Premium, I mean, — 
you '11 soon be master of the trade. But, Moses, would 
not you have him run out a little against the annuity bill? 
That would be in character, I should think. 

MOS. Very much. 

Row. And lament that a young man now must be 
at years of discretion before he is suffered to ruin 
himself? 

MOS. Ay, great pity. 

Sir Pet. And abuse the public for allowing merit to 
an act whose only object is to snatch misfortune and im- 
prudence from the rapacious gripe of usury, and give the 
minor a chance of inheriting his estate without being 
undone by coming into possession. 

Sir Oliv. So, so ; Moses shall give me further instruc- 
tions as we go together. 

SIR Pet. You will not have much time, for your 
nephew lives hard by. 

SIR OLIV. Oh, never fear ! My tutor appears so able 
that though Charles lived in the next street, it must be 
my own fault if I am not a complete rogue before I turn 
the corner. [Exit with Moses. 

Sir Pet. So, now, I think Sir Oliver will be convinced ; 
you are partial, Rowley, and would have prepared Charles 
for the other plot. 

Row. No, upon my word, Sir Peter. 



76 The School for Scandal. 

SIR Pet. Well, go bring me this Snake, and I '11 hear 
what he has to say presently. I see Maria, and want to 
speak with her. \_Exit Rowley.] I should be glad to be 
convinced my suspicions of Lady Teazle and Charles were 
unjust. I have never yet opened my mind on this subject 
to my friend Joseph. I am determined I will do it; he 
will give me his opinion sincerely. 

Enter Maria. 



So, child, has Mr. Surface returned with 
you? 

Mar. No, sir; he was engaged. 

Sir Pet. Well, Maria, do you not re- 
flect, the more you converse with that ami- 
able young man, what return his partiality 



for you deserves? 

Mar. Indeed, Sir Peter, your frequent 
importunity on this subject distresses me 
extremely; you compel me to declare 
that I know no man who has ever paid me 
a particular attention whom I would not 
prefer to Mr. Surface. 

Sir Pet. So ! here 's perverseness ! No, 
no, Maria; 't is Charles only whom you would prefer. Tis 
evident his vices and follies have won your heart. 

Mar. This is unkind, sir. You know I have obeyed you 
in neither seeing nor corresponding with him ; I have heard 
enough to convince me that he is unworthy my regard. 
Yet I cannot think it culpable if, while my understanding 



The School for Scandal. 77 

severely condemns his vices, my heart suggests some pity 
for his distresses. 

Sir Pet. Well, well, pity him as much as you please, 
but give your heart and hand to a worthier object. 

Mar. Never to his brother ! 

Sir Pet. Go, perverse and obstinate ! But take care, 
madam ; you have never yet known what the authority of a 
guardian is. Don't compel me to inform you of it. 

Mar. I can only say you shall not have just reason. 
'T is true, by my father 's will I am for a short period bound 
to regard you as his substitute, but must cease to think you 
so, when you would compel me to be miserable. [Exit. 

Sir Pet. Was ever man so crossed as I am, everything 
conspiring to fret me? I had not been involved in matri- 
mony a fortnight before her father, a hale and hearty man, 
died, on purpose, I believe, for the pleasure of plaguing me 
with the care of his daughter. \_Lady Teazle sings without.~] 
But here comes my helpmate ! She appears in great good- 
humour. How happy I should be if I could tease her into 
loving me, though but a little ! 

Enter Lady Teazle. 

Lady Teaz. Lud, Sir Peter ! I hope you have n't been 
quarrelling with Maria? It is not using me well to be ill- 
humoured when I am not by. 

Sir Pet. Ah, Lady Teazle, you might have the power to 
make me good-humoured at all times. 

Lady Teaz. I am sure I wish I had ; for I want you to 
be in a charming sweet temper at this moment. Do be 



78 The School for Scandal. 



good-humoured now, and let me have two hundred pounds, 



W1J 



you 



Sir Pet. Two hundred pounds ! what ! an 't I to be in a 
good-humour without paying for it? But speak to me thus, 
and, i' faith, there's nothing I could refuse you. You shall 
have it; but seal me a bond for the repayment. 

Lady Teaz. Oh, no; there, my note of hand will do 
as well. {^Offering her hand. 

Sir Pet. And you shall no longer reproach me with not 
giving you an independent settlement. I mean shortly to 
surprise you; but shall we always live thus, hey? 

Lady Teaz. If you please. I 'm sure I don't care how 
soon we leave off quarrelling, provided you '11 own you were 
tired first. 

Sir Pet. Well, then, let our future contest be, who 
shall be most obliging. 

Lady Teaz. I assure you, Sir Peter, good nature be- 
comes you. You look now as you did before we were 
married, when you used to walk with me under the elms, 
and tell me stories of what a gallant you were in your youth, 
and chuck me under the chin, you would ; and ask me if I 
thought I could love an old fellow, who would deny me 
nothing; didn't you? 

Sir Pet. Yes, yes ; and you were as kind and attentive — ' 

Lady Teaz. Ay, so I was, and would always take your 
part when my acquaintance used to abuse you, and turn 
you into ridicule. 

Sir Pet. Indeed ! 

Lady Teaz. Ay; and when my Cousin Sophy has called 
you a stiff, peevish old bachelor, and laughed at me for 



The School for Scandal. 79 

thinking of marrying one who might be my father, I have 
always defended you, and said I didn't think you so ugly 
by any means. 

Sir Pet. Thank you. 

Lady Teaz. And I dared say you'd make a very good 
sort of a husband. 

SlR Pet. And you prophesied right; and we shall now 
be the happiest couple — 

Lady Teaz. And never differ again? 

Sir Pet. No, never ! Though at the same time, indeed, 
my dear Lady Teazle, you must watch your temper very 
seriously; for in all our little quarrels, my dear, if you 
recollect, my love, you always began first. 

LADY TEAZ. I beg your pardon, my dear Sir Peter; 
indeed, you always gave the provocation. 

Sir Pet. Now, see, my angel, take care ; contradicting 
is n't the way to keep friends. 

Lady Teaz. Then don't you begin it, my love ! 

Sir Pet. There now! you — you are going on. You 
don't perceive, my life, that you are just doing the very 
thing which you know always makes me angry. 

Lady Teaz. Nay, you know if you will be angry with- 
out any reason, my dear — 

SlR Pet. There ! now you want to quarrel again. 

LADY Teaz. No, I'm sure I don't; but if you will be 
so peevish — 

SlR Pet. There now! who begins first? 

Lady Teaz. Why, you, to be sure. I said nothing; 
but there 's no bearing your temper. 

SlR Pet. No, no, madam; the fault's in your own 
temper. 



8o The School for Scandal. 

Lady Teaz. Ay; you are just what my Cousin Sophy 
said you would be. 

Sir Pet. Your Cousin Sophy is a forward, impertinent 
gypsy. 

Lady Teaz. You are a great bear, I 'm sure, to abuse 
my relations. 

Sir Pet. Now, may all the plagues of marriage be 
doubled on me, if ever I try to be friends with you any 
more ! 

Lady Teaz. So much the better. 

Sir Pet. No, no, madam ; 't is evident you never cared 
a pin for me, and I was a madman to marry you, — a pert, 
rural coquette, that had refused half the honest 'squires in 
the neighbourhood ! 

Lady Teaz. And I am sure I was a fool to marry 
you, — an old, dangling bachelor, who was single at fifty 
only because he never could meet with any one who would 
have him. 

Sir Pet. Ay, ay, madam ; but you were pleased enough 
to listen to me; you never had such an offer before. 

Lady Teaz. No ! did n't I refuse Sir Tivy Terrier, who 
everybody said would have been a better match? for his 
estate is just as good as yours, and he has broke his neck 
since we have been married. 

SIR Pet. I have done with you, madam ! You are an 
unfeeling, ungrateful — but there 's an end of everything. 
I believe you capable of everything that is bad. Yes, 
madam ; I now believe the reports relative to you and 
Charles, madam. Yes, madam ; you and Charles are, not 
without grounds — 



The School for Scandal. 83 

Lady Teaz. Take care, Sir Peter! you had better not 
insinuate any such thing! I'll not be suspected without 
cause, I promise you. 

Sir Pet. Very well, madam, very well ! A separate 
maintenance as soon as you please. Yes, madam, or a 
divorce ! I '11 make an example of myself for the benefit 
of all old bachelors. Let us separate, madam. 

Lady Teaz. Agreed, agreed ! And now, my dear Sir 
Peter, we are of a mind once more, we may be the hap- 
piest couple, and never differ again, you know; ha, ha, 
ha ! Well, you are going to be in a passion, I see, and 
I shall only interrupt you, — so bye, bye ! {Exit. 

Sir Pet. Plagues and tortures ! can't I make her angry 
either? Oh, I am the most miserable fellow! But I '11 not 
bear her presuming to keep her temper ; no ! she may 
break my heart, but she sha'n't keep her temper. {Exit. 

Scene II. — A Room in Charles Surface's House. 
Enter TRIP, MOSES, and SIR OLIVER SURFACE. 

TRIP. Here, Master Moses, if you '11 stay a moment, 
I'll try whether — What's the gentleman's name? 

SIR Oliv. Mr. Moses, what is my name? 

[Aside to MOSES. 

Mos. Mr. Premium. 

Trip. Premium ; very well. {Exit, taking snuff. 

Sir Oliv. To judge by the servants, one would n't 
believe the master was ruined. But what! sure, this was 
my brother's house? 



84 The School for Scandal. 

MOS. Yes, sir; Mr. Charles bought it of Mr. Joseph, 
with the furniture, pictures, etc., just as the old gentleman 
left it. Sir Peter thought it a piece of extravagance in him. 

Sir Oliv. In my mind, the other's economy in selling 
it to him was more reprehensible by half. 

Re-enter Trip. 

Trip. My master says you must wait, gentlemen; he 
has company, and can't speak with you yet. 

Sir Oliv. If he knew who it was wanted to see him, 
perhaps he would not send such a message? 

Trip. Yes, yes, sir ; he knows you are here. I did not 
forget little Premium; no, no, no. 

Sir Oliv. Very well; and I pray, sir, what may be 
your name? 

Trip. Trip, sir; my name is Trip, at your service. 

Sir Oliv. Well, then, Mr. Trip, you have a pleasant 
sort of place here, I guess. 

TRIP. Why, yes, here are three or four of us pass our 
time agreeably enough ; but then our wages are sometimes 
a little in arrear, — and not very great either, but fifty 
pounds a year, and find our own bags and bouquets. 

Sir Oliv. Bags and bouquets ! halters and bastinadoes ! 

[Aside. 

TRIP. And a propos, Moses, have you been able to get 
me that little bill discounted? 

Sir Oliv. Wants to raise money too ! mercy on me ! 
Has his distresses too, I warrant, like a lord, and affects 
creditors and duns. [Aside. 



The School for Scandal. 85 

Mos. 'T was not to be done, indeed, Mr. Trip. 

Trip. Good lack, you surprise me ! My friend Brush 
has indorsed it; and I thought when he put his name at the 
back of a bill 'twas the same as cash. 

MOS. No, 't would n't do. 

Trip. A small sum, — but twenty pounds. Hark'ee, 
Moses, do you think you could n't get it me by way of 
annuity? 

Sir Oliv. An annuity ! ha, ha ! a footman raise 
money by way of annuity ! Well done, luxury, egad ! 

[Aside, 

Mos. Well, but you must insure your place. 

Trip. Oh, with all my heart ! I '11 insure my place 
and my life too, if you please. 

Sir Oliv. It 's more than I would your neck. [Aside. 

MOS. But is there nothing you could deposit? 

Trip. Why, nothing capital of my master's wardrobe 
has dropped lately; but I could give you a mortgage on 
some of his winter clothes, with equity of redemption 
before November, — or you shall have the reversion of the 
French velvet, or a post-obit on the blue and silver; 
these, I should think, Moses, with a few pair of point 
ruffles as a collateral security, — hey, my little fellow? 

MOS. Well, well. [Bell rings. 

Trip. Egad, I heard the bell ! I believe, gentlemen, 
I can now introduce you. Don't forget the annuity, little 
Moses. This way, gentlemen; I'll insure my place, you 
know. 

Sir Oliv. [Aside.] If the man be a shadow of the 
master, this is the temple of dissipation indeed ! [Exeunt. 



86 The School for Scandal. 



Scene III. — Another Room in the same. 

Charles Surface, Sir Harry Bumper, Careless, and 
Gentlemen, discovered drinking. 

Chas. Surf. 'Fore Heaven, 't is true ! there 's the great 
degeneracy of the age. Many of our acquaintance have taste, 
spirit, and politeness ; but, plague on 't, they won't drink. 

Care. It is so indeed, Charles; they give in to all the 
substantial luxuries of the table, and abstain from nothing 
but wine and wit. Oh, certainly society suffers by it intol- 
erably ; for now, instead of the social spirit of raillery that 
used to mantle over a glass of bright Burgundy, their con- 
versation is become just like the Spa-water they drink, 
which has all the pertness and flatulency of champagne, 
without its spirit or flavour. 

i Gent. But what are they to do who love play better 
than wine? 

Care. True ; there 's Sir Harry diets himself for gam- 
ing, and is now under a hazard regimen. 

Chas. Surf. Then he'll have the worst of it. What! 
you would n't train a horse for the course by keeping him 
from corn? For my part, egad, I am never so successful 
as when I am a little merry ; let me throw on a bottle of 
champagne, and I never lose. 

All. Hey! what? 

Care. At least I never feel my losses, which is exactly 
the same thing. 

2 GENT. Ay; that I believe. 

Chas. Surf. And then, what man can pretend to be a 



The School for Scandal. 89 

believer in love, who is an abjurer of wine? 'T is the test 
by which the lover knows his own heart. Fill a dozen 
bumpers to a dozen beauties, and she that floats at the 
top is the maid that has bewitched you. 

Care. Now, then, Charles, be honest, and give us your 
real favourite. 

Chas. Surf. Why, I have withheld her only in com- 
passion to you. If I toast her, you must give a round 
of her peers, which is impossible — on earth. 

Care. Oh, then we '11 find some canonized vestals or 
heathen goddesses that will do, I warrant ! 

Chas. Surf. Here then, bumpers, you rogues, 
bumpers! Maria! Maria! 

Sir Har. Maria who? 

Chas. Surf. Oh, damn the surname ! 't is too formal 
to be registered in Love's calendar. Maria ! 

All. Maria ! 

Chas. Surf. But now, Sir Harry, beware, we must have 
beauty superlative. 

CARE. Nay, never study, Sir Harry; we'll stand to the 
toast, though your mistress should want an eye, and you 
know you have a song will excuse you. 

SIR Har. Egad, so I have ! and I '11 give him the song 
instead of the lady. [Sings. 

Here 's to the maiden of bashful fifteen ; 

Here 's to the widow of fifty ; 
Here 's to the flaunting, extravagant quean, 
And here 's to the housewife that 's thrifty. 
Chorus. Let the toast pass ; 
Drink to the lass ; 
I '11 warrant she '11 prove an excuse for the glass. 



90 The School for Scandal. 

Here 's to the charmer whose dimples we prize 
Now to the maid who has none, sir ; 

Here 's to the girl with a pair of blue eyes, 
And here 's to the nymph with but one, sir. 
Chorus. Let the toast pass, etc. 

Here 's to the maid with a bosom of snow ; 

Now to her that 's as brown as a berry ; 
Here 's to the wife with a face full of woe, 

And now to the damsel that 's merry. 
Chorus. Let the toast pass, etc. 

For let 'em be clumsy, or let 'em be slim, 
Young or ancient, I care not a feather : 
So fill a pint bumper quite up to the brim, 
So fill up your glasses, nay, fill to the brim, 
And let us e'en toast them together. 
Chorus. Let the toast pass, etc. 

All. Bravo ! bravo ! 



Enter Trip, and whispers Charles Surface. 

CHAS. Surf. Gentlemen, you must excuse me a little. 
Careless, take the chair, will you? 

CARE. Nay, pr'ythee, Charles, what now? This is one 
of your peerless beauties, I suppose, has dropped in by 
chance? 

CHAS. Surf. No, faith ! To tell you the truth, 't is a 
Jew and a broker, who are come by appointment. 

Care. Oh, damn it ! let 's have the Jew in. 

i Gent. Ay, and the broker too, by all means. 

2 Gent. Yes, yes ; the Jew and the broker. 

CHAS. SURF. Egad, with all my heart ! Trip, bid the 



I'll give him the Song instead of the Lady. 

Act I 1 1., page go 



The School for Scandal. 



#a 



gentlemen walk in. \_Exit Trip.] Though there 's one of 
them a stranger, I can tell you. 

Care. Charles, let us give them some generous 
Burgundy, and perhaps they'll grow conscientious. 

Chas. Surf. Oh, hang 'em, no ! wine does but draw 
forth a man's natural qualities ; and to make them drink 
would only be to whet their knavery. 

Re-enter Trip, with Sir Oliver Surface and Moses. 

Chas. Surf. So, honest Moses ; walk in, pray, Mr. 
Premium, — that's the gentleman's name, is n't it, Moses? 

MOS. Yes, sir. 

Chas. Surf. Set chairs, Trip. Sit down, Mr. 
Premium. Glasses, Trip. [Trip gives chairs and glasses, 
and exit.~\ Sit down, Moses. Come, Mr. Premium, I '11 
give you a sentiment ; here 's Success to usury ! Moses, 
fill the gentleman a bumper. 

MOS. Success to usury ! [Drinks. 

Care. Right, Moses ; usury is prudence and industry, 
and deserves to succeed. 

Sir Oliv. Then here 's All the success it deserves! 

[Drinks. 

Care. No, no; that won't do! Mr. Premium, you 
have demurred at the toast, and must drink it in a pint 
bumper. 

i Gent. A pint bumper, at least. 

MOS. Oh, pray, sir, consider ; Mr. Premium 's a 
gentleman. 

Care. And therefore loves good wine. 



92 The School for Scandal. 

2 Gext. Give Moses a quart glass; this is mutiny, 
and a high contempt for the chair. 

Care. Here, now for 't ! I '11 see justice done, to the 
Jast drop of my bottle. 

Sir Oliv. Nay, pray, gentlemen; I did not expect this 
usage. 

Chas. SURF. No, hang it, you sha'n't; Mr. Premium's a 
stranger. 

Sir Oliv. Odd ! I wish I was well out of their company. 

[Aside. 

Care. Plague on 'em, then! if they won't drink, we '11 
not sit down with them. Come, Harry, the dice are in the 
next room. Charles, you '11 join us when you have finished 
your business with the gentlemen? 

Chas. Surf. I will ! I will ! [Exeunt Sir Harry 
Bumper and Gentlemen, Careless following^ Careless! 

Care. {Returning^ Well! 

Chas. Surf. Perhaps I may want you. 

Care. Oh, you know I am always ready ; word, note, or 
bond, 'tis all the same to me. [Exit. 

Mos. Sir, this is Mr. Premium, a gentleman of the 
strictest honour and secrecy; and always performs what 
he undertakes. Mr. Premium, this is — 

Chas. Surf. Pshaw ! have done. Sir, my friend Moses 
is a very honest fellow, but a little slow at expression; 
he '11 be an hour giving us our titles. Mr. Premium, the 
plain state of the matter is this : I am an extravagant 
young fellow who wants to borrow money ; you I take to 
be a prudent old fellow, who have got money to lend. I 
am blockhead enough to give fifty per cent sooner than 



The School for Scandal. 93 

not have it; and you, I presume, are rogue enough to take 
a hundred if you can get it. Now, sir, you see we are 
acquainted at once, and may proceed to business without 
further ceremony. 

Sir Oliv. Exceeding frank, upon my word. I see, sir, 
you are not a man of many compliments. 

Chas. Surf. Oh, no, sir ! plain dealing in business I 
always think best. 

Sir Oliv. Sir, I like you the better for it. However, you 
are mistaken in one thing : I have no money to lend, but I 
believe I could procure some of a friend ; but then he 's an 
unconscionable dog. Is n't he, Moses? And must sell 
stock to accommodate you. Mustn't he, Moses? 

Mos. Yes, indeed ! You know I always speak the 
truth and scorn to tell a lie ! 

Chas. Surf. Right. People that speak truth generally 
do. But these are trifles, Mr. Premium. What ! I know 
money is n't to be bought without paying for 't ! 

Sir Oliv. Well, but what security could you give? 
You have no land, I suppose? 

Chas. SURF. Not a mole-hill nor a twig but what \ in 
the bough-pots out of the window ! 

Sir Oliv. Nor any stock, I presume? 

CHAS. Surf. Nothing but live-stock ; and that's only a 
few pointers and ponies. But pray, Mr. Premium, are you 
acquainted at all with any of my connections? 

Sir Oliv. Why, to say truth, I am. 

Chas. Surf. Then you must know that I have a devilish 
rich uncle in the East Indies, Sir Oliver Surface, from 
whom I have the greatest expectations? 



94 The School for Scandal. 

Sir Oliv. That you have a wealthy uncle, I have 
heard ; but how your expectations will turn out is more, 
I believe, than you can tell. 

Chas. Surf. Oh, no ! there can be no doubt. They 
tell me I 'm a prodigious favourite, and that he talks of 
leaving me everything. 

Sir Oliv. Indeed ! this is the first I 've heard of it. 

Chas. Surf. Yes, yes ; 't is just so. Moses knows 't is 
true; don't you, Moses? 

Mos. Oh, yes; I '11 swear to 't. 

Sir Oliv. Egad, they '11 persuade me presently I 'm at 
Bengal. [Aside. 

Chas. Surf. Now, I propose, Mr. Premium, if it 's 
agreeable to you, a post-obit on Sir Oliver's life ; though at 
the same time the old fellow has been so liberal to me that, 
I give you my word, I should be very sorry to hear that 
anything had happened to him. 

Sir Oliv. Not more than I should, I assure you. But 
the bond you mention happens to be just the worst security 
you could offer me, — for I might live to a hundred and 
never see the principal. 

Chas. Surf. Oh, yes, you would ! the moment Sir Oli- 
ver dies, you know, you would come on me for the money. 

SIR Oliv. Then I believe I should be the most 
unwelcome dun you ever had in your life. 

Chas. SURF. What ! I suppose you 're afraid that Sir 
Oliver is too good a life? 

Sir Oliv. No, indeed I am not; though I have heard 
he is as hale and healthy as any man of his years in 
Christendom. 



The School for Scandal. 95 

CHAS. SURF. There again, now, you are misinformed. 
No, no, the climate has hurt him considerably, poor Uncle 
Oliver. Yes, yes, he breaks apace, I 'm told, and is 
so much altered lately that his nearest relations would 
not know him. 

Sir Oliv. No ! Ha, ha, ha ! so much altered lately 
that his nearest relations would not know him ! Ha, ha, 
ha ! egad ! ha, ha, ha ! 

Chas. Surf. Ha, ha ! you 're glad to hear that, little 
Premium ? 

Sir Oliv. No, no ; I 'm not. 

Chas. Surf. Yes, yes ; you are. Ha, ha, ha ! you 
know that mends your chance. 

Sir Oliv. But I'm told Sir Oliver is coming over; 
nay, some say he is actually arrived. 

CHAS. Surf. Pshaw ! sure I must know better than you 
whether he 's come or not. No, no ; rely on 't, he 's at this 
moment at Calcutta. Isn't he, Moses? 

MOS. Oh, yes; certainly. 

Sir Oliv. Very true ; as you say, you must know bet- 
ter than I, though I have it from pretty good authority. 
Haven't I, Moses? 

MOS. Yes, most undoubted ! 

SIR Oliv. But, sir, as I understand you want a few 
hundreds immediately, is there nothing you could dispose 
of? 

Chas. Surf. How do you mean? 

Sir Oliv. For instance, now, I have heard that your 
father left behind him a great quantity of massy old 
plate. 



9 6 



The School for Scandal. 



Chas. Surf. O Lud ! that 's gone long ago. Moses 
can tell you how better than I can. 

SIR Oliv. [Aside.] Good lack ! all the family race-cups 
and corporation bowls ! [Aloud.] Then it was also sup- 
posed that his library was one of the most valuable and 
compact. 

CHAS. Surf. Yes, yes; so it was, 
— vastly too much so for a private 
gentleman. For my part, I was al- 
ways of a communicative disposition, 
so I thought it a shame to keep so 
much knowledge to myself. 

Sir Oliv. [Aside.] Mercy upon 
me ! learning that had run in the fam- 
ily like an heirloom ! [Aloud.] 
Pray, what are become of the books? 
CHAS. SURF. You must inquire of 
the auctioneer, Master Premium; for 
I don't believe even Moses can di- 
rect you. 
Mos. I know nothing of books. 

SIR Oliv. So, so ; nothing of the family property left, 
I suppose? 

Chas. Surf. Not much, indeed ; unless you have a 
mind to the family pictures. I have got a room full of 
ancestors above ; and if you have a taste for old paintings, 
egad, you shall have 'em a bargain ! 

SIR OLIV. Hey! what the devil ! Sure, you wouldn't 
sell your forefathers, would you? 

Chas. SURF. Every mart of them, to the best bidder. 




The School for Scandal. 97 

Sir Oliv. What! your great-uncles and aunts? 

CHAS. Surf. Ay ; and my great-grandfathers and grand- 
mothers too. 

Sir Oliv. [Aside.'] Now I give him up ! [Aloud.] 
What the plague ! have you no bowels for your own kin- 
dred? Odd's life! do you take me for Shylock in the 
play, that you would raise money of me on your own flesh 
and blood? 

CHAS. SURF. Nay, my little broker, don't be angry; 
what need you care, if you have your money's worth? 

SIR Oliv. Well, I'll be the purchaser; I think I can 
dispose of the family canvas. [Aside.] Oh, I '11 never 
forgive him this ! never ! 

Re-enter CARELESS. 

CARE. Come, Charles, what keeps you? 

CHAS. Surf. I can't come yet. I' faith, we are going 
to have a sale above stairs ; here 's little Premium will buy 
all my ancestors ! 

CARE. Oh, burn your ancestors ! 

CHAS. Surf. No; he may do that afterwards, if he 
pleases. Stay, Careless, we want you. Egad, you shall be 
auctioneer ; so come along with us. 

CARE. Oh, have with you, if that's the case! I can 
handle a hammer as well as a dice-box ! Going, going ! 

Sir Oliv. Oh, the profligates ! [Aside. 

Chas. Surf. Come, Moses, you shall be appraiser, if 
we want one. Gad's life, little Premium, you don't seem 
to like the business? 

7 



98 The School for Scandal. 

SIR Oliv. Oh, yes, I do, vastly! Ha, ha, ha! yes, 
yes, I think it is a rare joke to sell one's family by auction ; 
ha, ha ! [Aside-] Oh, the prodigal ! 

Chas. Surf. To be sure; when a man wants money, 
where the plague should he get assistance, if he can't make 
free with his own relations? [Exeunt. 

Sir Oliv. I '11 never forgive him ; never, never ! 




Scene I. — A Picture Room in Charles Surface's House. 

Enter Charles Surface, Sir Oliver Surface, Moses, 
and Careless. 



Chas. Surf. Walk in, gentlemen, pray walk in. Here 
they are, the family of the Surfaces, up to the Conquest. 

Sir Oliv. And, in my opinion, a goodly collection. 

CHAS. SURF. Ay, ay; these are done in the true spirit 
of portrait-painting, — no volontiere grace or expression. 
Not like the works of your modern Raphaels, who give you 
the strongest resemblance, yet contrive to make your por- 
trait independent of you, so that you may sink the original 
and not hurt the picture. No, no; the merit of these is 
the inveterate likeness, — all stiff and awkward as the origi- 
nals, and like nothing in human nature besides. 

Sir Oliv. Ah, we shall never see such figures of men 
again. 

Chas. Surf. I hope not. Well, you see, Master Pre- 
mium, what a domestic character I am ; here I sit of an 
evening, surrounded by my family. But come, get to your 



ioo The School for Scandal. 

pulpit, Mr. Auctioneer; here's an old gouty chair of my 
grandfather's will answer the purpose. 

Care. Ay, ay; this will do. But, Charles, I haven't 
a hammer; and what's an auctioneer without his hammer? 

Chas. Surf. Egad, that 's true. What parchment have 
we here? Oh, our genealogy in full. [Taking pedigree 
down.'] Here, Careless, you shall have no common bit 
of mahogany; here's the family tree for you, you rogue! 
This shall be your hammer, and now you may knock down 
my ancestors with their own pedigree. 

Sir Oliv. What an unnatural rogue ! — an ex post facto 
parricide ! [Aside, 

CARE. Yes, yes ; here 's a list of your generation indeed. 
Faith, Charles, this is the most convenient thing you 
could have found for the business ; for 't will not only serve 
as a hammer, but a catalogue into the bargain. Come, 
begin, — a-going, a-going, a-going ! 

Chas. Surf. Bravo, Careless ! Well, here 's my great- 
uncle, Sir Richard Raveline, a marvellous good general in 
his day, I assure you. He served in all the Duke of Marl- 
borough's wars, and got that cut over his eye at the battle 
of Malplaquet. What say you, Mr. Premium? look at 
him. There 's a hero ! not cut out of his feathers, as your 
modern clipped captains are, but enveloped in wig and 
regimentals, as a general should be. What do you bid? 

Sir Oliv. [Aside to Moses.] Bid him speak. 

Mos. Mr. Premium would have you speak. 

Chas. Surf. Why, then, he shall have him for ten 
pounds, and I 'm sure that 's not dear for a staff-officer. 

SIR Oliv. [Aside.] Heaven deliver me! his famous 



The School for Scandal. 101 

Uncle Richard for ten pounds ! \_Alond.~\ Very well, sir, 
I take him at that. 

Chas. Surf. Careless, knock down my Uncle Richard. 
Here, now, is a maiden sister of his, my Great-aunt 
Deborah, done by Kneller, in his best manner, and es- 
teemed a very formidable likeness. There she is, you see, 
a shepherdess feeding her flock. You shall have her for 
five pounds ten ; the sheep are worth the money. 

Sir Oliv. [Aside.'] Ah, poor Deborah ! a woman who 
set such a value on herself! \_Aloud.~] Five pounds ten; 
she 's mine. 

CHAS. Surf. Knock down my Aunt Deborah ! Here, 
now, are two that were a sort of cousins of theirs. You 
see, Moses, these pictures were done some time ago, when 
beaux wore wigs and the ladies their own hair. 

Sir Oliv. Yes, truly, head-dresses appear to have been 
a little lower in those days. 

Chas. Surf. Well, take that couple for the same. 

Mos. 'T is a good bargain. 

Chas. Surf. Careless ! This, now, is a grandfather 
of my mother's, a learned judge, well known on the western 
circuit. What do you rate him at, Moses? 

Mos. Four guineas. 

CHAS. Surf. Four guineas ! Gad's life, you don't bid 
me the price of his wig. Mr. Premium, you have more 
respect for the woolsack; do let us knock his Lordship 
down at fifteen. 

Sir Oliv. By all means. 

Care. Gone ! 

Chas. Surf. And there are two brothers of his, Wil- 



102 The School for Scandal. 

liam and Walter Blunt, Esquires, both members of Parlia- 
ment and noted speakers ; and, what 's very extraordinary, 
I believe, this is the first time they were ever bought or 
sold. 

Sir Oliv. That is very extraordinary indeed ! I '11 
take them at your own price, for the honour of Parliament. 

Care. Well said, little Premium ! I '11 knock them 
down at forty. 

CHAS. Surf. Here's a jolly fellow; I don't know what 
relation, but he was Mayor of Norwich. Take him at eight 
pounds. 

Sir Oliv. No, no ; six will do for the mayor. 

Chas. Surf. Come, make it guineas, and I '11 throw 
you the two aldermen there into the bargain. 

Sir Oliv. They 're mine. 

CHAS. Surf. Careless, knock down the mayor and 
aldermen. But, plague on 't ! we shall be all day retailing 
in this manner ; do let us deal wholesale. What say you, 
little Premium? Give me three hundred pounds for the 
rest of the family in the lump. 

CARE. Ay, ay ; that will be the best way. 

Sir Oliv. Well, well, anything to accommodate you ; 
they are mine. But there is one portrait which you have 
always passed over. 

CARE. What, that ill-looking little fellow over the settee? 

SIR Oliv. Yes, sir, I mean that; though I don't think 
him so ill-looking a little fellow, by any means. 

Chas. SURF. What, that? Oh, that 's my Uncle Oliver ! 
'T was done before he went to India. 

Care. Your Uncle Oliver. Gad ! then you '11 never be 



The School for Scandal. 105 

friends, Charles. That, now, to me, is as stern a looking 
rogue as ever I saw, — an unforgiving eye, and a damned 
disinheriting countenance ! an inveterate knave, depend 
on't. Don't you think so, little Premium? 

Sir Oliv. Upon my soul, sir, I do not ; I think it is as 
honest a looking face as any in the room, dead or alive. 
But I suppose Uncle Oliver goes with the rest of the 
lumber? 

CHAS. Surf. No, hang it ! I '11 not part with poor 
Noll. The old fellow has been very good to me, and, egad, 
I '11 keep his picture while I 've a room to put it in. 

Sir Oliv. [Aside.] The rogue 's my nephew, after all ! 
[Aloud.] But, sir, I have somehow taken a fancy to that 
picture. 

CHAS. SURF. I 'm sorry for 't, for you certainly will not 
have it. Oons ! have n't you got enough of them? 

SIR Oliv. [Aside.] I forgive him everything ! [Aloud.] 
But, sir, when I take a whim in my head, I don't value 
money. I '11 give you as much for that as for all the rest. 

CHAS. Surf. Don't tease me, master broker; I tell you 
I '11 not part with it, and there 's an end of it. 

Sir Oliv. [Aside.] How like his father the dog is ! 
[Aloud] Well, well, I have done. [Aside.] I did not 
perceive it before, but I think I never saw such a striking 
resemblance. [Aloud.] Here is a draught for your sum. 

Chas. Surf. Why, 't is for eight hundred pounds ! 

Sir Oliv. You will not let Sir Oliver go? 

Chas. Surf. Zounds, no ! I tell you once more. 

Sir Oliv. Then never mind the difference, we '11 balance 
that another time. But give me your hand on the bargain; 



106 The School for Scandal. 

you are an honest fellow, Charles — I beg pardon, sir, for 
being so free. Come, Moses. 

CHAS. Surf. Egad, this is a whimsical old fellow ! 
But hark'ee, Premium, you '11 prepare lodgings for these 
gentlemen. 

Sir Oliv. Yes, yes ; I '11 send for them in a day or two. 

CHAS. Surf. But hold ; do, now, send a genteel convey- 
ance for them, for, I assure you, they were most of them 
used to ride in their own carriages. 

SIR Oliv. I will, I will — for all but Oliver. 

Chas. Surf. Ay, all but the little nabob. 

Sir Oliv. You 're fixed on that? 

Chas. Surf. Peremptorily. 

Sir Oliv. [Aside.'] A dear extravagant rogue ! [Aloud.] 
Good-day ! Come, Moses. [Aside.] Let me hear now 
who dares call him profligate ! [Exit with MOSES. 

Care. Why, this is the oddest genius of the sort I ever 
met with ! 

CHAS. SURF. Egad, he 's the prince of brokers, I think. 
I wonder how the devil Moses got acquainted with so 
honest a fellow. Ha ! here 's Rowley. Do, Careless, say 
I '11 join the company in a few moments. 

Care. I will; but don't let that old blockhead per- 
suade you to squander any of that money on old musty 
debts, or any such nonsense ; for tradesmen, Charles, are 
the most exorbitant fellows. 

Chas. Surf. Very true, and paying them is only en- 
couraging them. 

Care. Nothing else. 

CHAS. Surf. Ay, ay; never fear. [Exit CARELESS.] 



The School for Scandal. 109 

So ! this was an odd old fellow, indeed. Let me see, two 
thirds of these five hundred and thirty odd pounds are mine 
by right. 'Fore Heaven ! I find one's ancestors are more 
valuable relations than I took them for ! Ladies and gen- 
tlemen, your most obedient and very grateful servant. 

\_Bows ceremoniously to the pictures. 

Enter ROWLEY. 

Ha ! old Rowley ! egad, you are just come in time to 
take leave of your old acquaintance. 

Row. Yes, I heard they were a-going. But I wonder 
you can have such spirits under so many distresses. 

Chas. Surf. Why, there 's the point ! my distresses are 
so many that I can't afford to part with my spirits ; but I 
shall be rich and splenetic, all in good time. However, I 
suppose you are surprised that I am not more sorrowful at 
parting with so many near relations. To be sure, 't is very 
affecting; but you see they never move a muscle, so why 
should I? 

Row. There 's no making you serious a moment. 

CHAS. Surf. Yes, faith, I am so now. Here, my honest 
Rowley, here, get me this changed directly, and take a 
hundred pounds of it. immediately to old Stanley. 

Row. A hundred pounds ! Consider only — 

Chas. Surf. Gad's life, don't talk about it ! poor Stan- 
ley's wants are pressing ; and if you don't make haste, we 
shall have some one call that has a better right to the 
money. 

Row. Ah, there 's the point ! I never will cease dun- 
ning you with the old proverb — 



no The School for Scandal. 

Chas. Surf. Be just before yoti We generous. — Why, 
so I would if I could ; but Justice is an old y hobbling bel- 
dame, and I can't get her to keep pace with Generosity, 
for the soul of me. 

Row. Yet, Charles, believe me, one hour's reflection — 
CHAS. Surf. Ay, ay, it's very true; but, hark'ee, 
Rowley, while I have, by Heaven I '11 give ; so damn your 
economy ! and now for hazard. \Exeunt. 



Scene II. — Another Room in the same. 
Enter Sir Oliver Surface and Moses. 

MOS. Well, sir, I think, as Sir Peter said, you have 
seen Mr. Charles in high glory ; 't is great pity he 's so 
extravagant. 

Sir Oliv. True ; but he would not sell my picture. 

MOS. And loves wine and women so much. 

Sir Oliv. But he would not sell my picture. 

Mos. And games so deep. 

Sir Oliv. But he would not sell my picture. Oh, 
here 's Rowley. 

Enter Rowley. 

Row. So, Sir Oliver, I find you have made a pur- 
chase — 

SIR Oliv. Yes, yes ; our young rake has parted with 
his ancestors like old tapestry. 

Row. And here has he commissioned me to re-deliver 



The School for Scandal. 1 1 1 

you part of the purchase-money, — I mean, though, in your 
necessitous character of old Stanley. 

Mos. Ah ! there is the pity of all ; he is so damned 
charitable. 

Row. And I left a hosier and two tailors in the hall, 
who, I 'm sure, won't be paid, and this hundred would 
satisfy them. 

SIR Oliv. Well, well, I'll pay his debts and his be- 
nevolence too. But now I am no more a broker, and you 
shall introduce me to the elder brother as old Stanley. 

Row. Not yet awhile ; Sir Peter, I know, means to call 
there about this time. 

Enter Trip. 

Trip. Oh, gentlemen, I beg pardon for not showing you 
out ; this way. Moses, a word. \_Exit with MOSES. 

Sir Oliv. There 's a fellow for you ! Would you be- 
lieve it, that puppy intercepted the Jew on our coming, 
and wanted to raise money before he got to his master ! 

Row. Indeed ! 

Sir Oliv. Yes, they are now planning an annuity busi- 
ness. Ah, Master Rowley, in my days servants were con- 
tent with the follies of their masters, when they were worn 
a little threadbare ; but now they have their vices, like their 
birthday clothes, with the gloss on. [Exeunt. 



I 12 



The School for Scandal. 



Scene III. — A Library in Joseph Surface's House. 

Enter Joseph Surface and Servant. 

JOS. SURF. No letter from Lady Teazle? 
Ser. No, sir. 

Jos. SURF. \_Aside.~] I am surprised she has not sent, 
if she is prevented from coming. Sir Peter certainly does 




not suspect me. Yet I wish I may not lose the heiress 
through the scrape I have drawn myself into with the wife ; 
however, Charles's imprudence and bad character are great 
points in my favour. [Knocking without. 

Ser. I believe that must be Lady Teazle. 

Jos. Surf. Hold ! See whether it is or not before 
you go to the door ; I have a particular message for you 
if it should be my brother. 



The School for Scandal. 1 1 3 

Ser. 'T is her Ladyship, sir; she always leaves her 
chair at the milliner's in the next street. 

Jos. Surf. Stay, stay ; draw that screen before the win- 
dow, — that will do, — my opposite neighbour is a maiden 
lady of so curious a temper. [Servant draws the screen, 
and exit.'] I have a difficult hand to play in this affair. 
Lady Teazle has lately suspected my views on Maria; but 
she must by no means be let into that secret, — at least, 
till I have her more in my power. 

Enter Lady Teazle. 

Lady Teaz. What! sentiment in soliloquy now? Have 
you been very impatient? O Lud ! don't pretend to look 
grave. T vow I could n't come before. 

Jos. Surf. Oh, madam, punctuality is a species of con- 
stancy very unfashionable in a lady of quality. 

[Places chairs, and sits after Lady Teazle is seated. 

Lady Teaz. Upon my word, you ought to pity me. 
Do you know Sir Peter is grown so ill-natured to me of 
late, and so jealous of Charles too — that's the best of the 
story, is n't it? 

Jos. Surf. I am glad my scandalous friends keep that 
up. [Aside. 

Lady Teaz. I am sure I wish he would let Maria marry 
him, and then perhaps he would be convinced; don't you, 
Mr. Surface? 

Jos. Surf. [Aside.] Indeed I do not. [Aloud.] Oh, 
certainly I do ! for then my dear Lady Teazle would also 
be convinced how wrong her suspicions were of my having 

any design on the silly girl. 

8 



114 The School for Scandal. 

LADY Teaz. Well, well, I'm inclined to believe you. 
But is n't it provoking to have the most ill-natured things 
said of one? And there's my friend, Lady Sneerwell, has 
circulated I don't know how many scandalous tales of 
me, and all without any foundation too ; that 's what 
vexes me. 

JOS. SURF. Ay, madam, to be sure, that is the provok- 
ing circumstance, — without foundation. Yes, yes, there 's 
the mortification, indeed; for when a scandalous story is 
believed against one, there certainly is no comfort like the 
consciousness of having deserved it. 

Lady Teaz. No, to be sure, then I 'd forgive their mal- 
ice ; but to attack me, who am really so innocent, and who 
never say an ill-natured thing of anybody, — that is, of 
any friend; and then Sir Peter, too, to have him so peev- 
ish and so suspicious, when I know the integrity of my 
own heart, — indeed, 't is monstrous ! 

JOS. SURF. But, my dear Lady Teazle, 'tis your own 
fault if you suffer it. When a husband entertains a ground- 
less suspicion of his wife, and withdraws his confidence 
from her, the original compact is broken, and she owes 
it to the honour of her sex to endeavour to outwit him. 

Lady Teaz. Indeed ! So that if he suspects me with- 
out cause, it follows that the best way of curing his jeal- 
ousy is to give him reason for 't? 

JOS. SURF. Undoubtedly; for your husband should 
never be deceived in you, and in that case it becomes 
you to be frail in compliment to his discernment. 

Lady Teaz. To be sure, what you say is very reason- 
able, and when the consciousness of my innocence — 



The School for Scandal. 



JOS. SURF. Ah, my dear madam, there is the great mis- 
take ! 'T is this very conscious innocence that is of the 
greatest prejudice to you. What is it makes you negli- 
gent of forms, and careless of the world's opinion? Why, 
the consciousness of your own innocence. What makes 
you thoughtless in your conduct, and apt to run into a 
thousand little imprudences? Why, the consciousness of 
your own innocence. What makes you impatient of Sir 
Peter's temper, and outrageous at his suspicions? Why, 
the consciousness of your innocence. 

LADY TEAZ. T is very true ! 

Jos. SURF. Now, my dear Lady Teazle, if you would 
but once make a trifling faiCx pas, you can't conceive 
how cautious you would grow, and how ready to humour 
and agree with your husband. 

LADY TEAZ. Do you think so? 

Jos. SURF. Oh, I am sure on 't; and then you would 
find all scandal would cease at once, for — in short, your 
character at present is like a person in a plethora, abso- 
lutely dying from too much health. 

LADY TEAZ. So, so ; then I perceive your prescription 
is that I must sin in my own defence, and part with my 
virtue to preserve my reputation? 

JOS. SURF. Exactly so, upon my credit, ma'am. 

LADY TEAZ. Well, certainly this is the oddest doctrine, 
and the newest receipt for avoiding calumny. 

Jos. SURF. An infallible one, believe me. Prudence, 
like experience, must be paid for. 

Lady Teaz. Why, if my understanding were once 
convinced — 



1 1 6 The School for Scandal. 

JOS. SURF. Oh, certainly, madam, your understanding 
should be convinced. Yes, yes ; Heaven forbid I should 
persuade you to do anything you thought wrong. No, 
no ; I have too much honour to desire it. 

Lady Teaz. Don't you think we may as well leave 
honour out of the argument? [Rises. 

Jos. SURF. Ah, the ill effects of your country educa- 
tion, I see, still remain with you. 

LADY TEAZ. I doubt they do, indeed ; and I will fairly 
own to you that if I could be persuaded to do wrong, 
it would be by Sir Peter's ill usage sooner than your hon- 
ourable logic, after all. 

JOS. Surf. Then, by this hand, which he is unworthy 
of — [Taking her hand. 

Re-enter Servant. 

'S death, you blockhead ! what do you want? 

Ser. I beg your pardon, sir, but I thought you would 
not choose Sir Peter to come up without announcing 
him. 

JOS. SURF. Sir Peter ! Oons ; the devil ! 

Lady Teaz. Sir Peter! O Lud ! I'm ruined! I'm 
ruined ! 

Ser. Sir, 'twas n't I let him in. 

Lady Teaz. Oh, I 'm quite undone ! What will be- 
come of me? Now, Mr. Logic — oh, mercy, sir, he's on 
the stairs. I '11 get behind here — and if ever I 'm so 
imprudent again — [Goes behind the screen. 

Jos. Surf. Give me that book. 

[Sits down. Servant pretends to adjust his chair. 



The School for Scandal. 119 



Enter Sir Peter Teazle. 

SIR Pet. Ay, ever improving himself. Mr. Surface, 
Mr. Surface — [p a ts Joseph on the shoulder. 

JOS. SURF. Oh, my dear Sir Peter, I beg your pardon — 
[Gaping, throws away the book.] I have been dozing over 
a stupid book. Well, I am much obliged to you for this 
call. You have n't been here, I believe, since I fitted up 
this room. Books, you know, are the only things I am 
a coxcomb in. 

Sir Pet. T is very neat indeed. Well, well, that's 
proper; and you can make even your screen a source of 
knowledge, — hung, I perceive, with maps. 

Jos. SURF. Oh, yes, I find great use in that screen. 

SIR Pet. I dare say you must, certainly, when you 
want to find anything in a hurry. 

JOS. SURF. Ay, or to hide anything in a hurry either. 

[Aside. 

Sir Pet. Well, I have a little private business — 

Jos. Surf. You need not stay. [To Servant. 

Ser. No, sir. [Exit. 

Jos. Surf. Here 's a chair, Sir Peter — I beg — 

Sir Pet. Well, now we are alone, there is a subject, 
my dear friend, on which I wish to unburden my mind 
to you, — a point of the greatest moment to my peace; 
in short, my good friend, Lady Teazle's conduct of late 
has made me very unhappy. 

Jos. SURF. Indeed ! I am very sorry to hear it. 

Sir Pet. Yes, 't is but too plain she has not the least 
regard for me ; but, what 's worse, I have pretty good 



120 The School for Scandal. 

authority to suppose she has formed an attachment to 
another. 

Jos. SURF. Indeed ! you astonish me. 

Sir Pet. Yes; and, between ourselves, I think I've 
discovered the person. 

Jos. SURF. How ! you alarm me exceedingly. 

Sir Pet. Ay, my dear friend, I knew you would sym- 
pathize with me ! 

Jos. SURF. Yes, believe me, Sir Peter, such a discovery 
would hurt me just as much as it would you. 

SIR Pet. I am convinced of it. Ah, it is a happi- 
ness to have a friend whom we can trust even with 
one's family secrets. But have you no guess who I 
mean? 

Jos. SURF. I have n't the most distant idea. It can't 
be Sir Benjamin Backbite ! 

Sir Pet. Oh, no ! what say you to Charles? 

JOS. SURF. My brother ! impossible ! 

Sir Pet. Oh, my dear friend, the goodness of your 
own heart misleads you. You judge of others by yourself. 

JOS. Surf. Certainly, Sir Peter, the heart that is con- 
scious of its own integrity is ever slow to credit another's 
treachery. 

SlR Pet. True; but your brother has no sentiment; 
you never hear him talk so. 

JOS. SURF. Yet I can't but think Lady Teazle herself 
has too much principle. 

SlR Pet. Ay; but what is principle against the flat- 
tery of a handsome, lively young fellow? 

JOS. SURF. That 's very true. 



The School for Scandal. 121 

SlR Pet. And then, you know, the difference of our 
ages makes it very improbable that she should have any 
great affection for me ; and if she were to be frail, and 
I were to make it public, why, the town would only laugh 
at me, the foolish old bachelor who had married a girl. 

JOS. SURF. That's true, to be sure; they would laugh. 

SlR Pet. Laugh ! ay, and make ballads and para- 
graphs, and the devil knows what, of me. 

JOS. SURF. No ; you must never make it public. 

SlR Pet. But then again, that the nephew of my old 
friend, Sir Oliver, should be the person to attempt such 
a wrong hurts me more nearly. 

Jos. Surf. Ay; there's the point. When ingratitude 
.barbs the dart of injury, the wound has double danger 
in it. 

Sir Pet. Ay ; I, that was, in a manner, left his guar- 
dian; in whose house he had been so often entertained; 
who never in my life denied him — my advice ! 

Jos. SURF. Oh, 't is not to be credited ! There may 
be a man capable of such baseness, to be sure ; but, for 
my part, till you can give me positive proofs, I cannot but 
doubt it. However, if it should be proved on him, he is 
no longer a brother of mine. I disclaim kindred with 
him ; for the man who can break the laws of hospitality, 
and tempt the wife of his friend, deserves to be branded 
as the pest of society. 

SlR Pet. What a difference there is between you ! 
What noble sentiments ! 

Jos. Surf. Yet I cannot suspect Lady Teazle's honour. 

Sir Pet. I am sure I wish to think well of her, and 



122 The School for ScandaL 

to remove all ground of quarrel between us. She has lately 
reproached me more than once with having made no settle- 
ment on her; and in our last quarrel she almost hinted 
that she should not break her heart if I was dead. Now, 
as we seem to differ in our ideas of expense, I have re- 
solved she shall have her own way, and be her own mistress 
in that respect for the future; and if I were to die, she 
will find I have not been inattentive to her interest while 
living. Here, my friend, are the drafts of two deeds, which 
I wish to have your opinion on. By one, she will enjoy 
eight hundred a year independent while I live ; and by the 
other, the bulk of my fortune at my death. 

Jos. Surf. This conduct, Sir Peter, is indeed truly gen- 
erous. [Aside.~\ I wish it may not corrupt my pupil. 

Sir Pet. Yes ; I am determined she shall have no cause 
to complain, though I would not have her acquainted with 
the latter instance of my affection yet awhile. 

JOS. SURF. Nor I, if I could help it. [Aside. 

Sir Pet. And now, my dear friend, if you please, we 
will talk over the situation of your hopes with Maria. 

JOS. SURF. [Softly.'] Oh, no, Sir Peter; another time, 
if you please. 

Sir Pet. I am sensibly chagrined at the little progress 
you seem to make in her affections. 

Jos. Surf. [Softly.] I beg you will not mention it. 
What are my disappointments when your happiness is in 
debate ! [Aside.] 'S death, I shall be ruined every way ! 

Sir Pet. And though you are averse to my acquaint- 
ing Lady Teazle with your passion, I 'm sure she 's not 
your enemy in the affair. 



The School for Scandal. 123 

Jos. Surf. Pray, Sir Peter, now oblige me. I am really 
too much affected by the subject we have been speaking 
of to bestow a thought on my own concerns. The man 
who is intrusted with his friend's distresses can never — 

Re-enter Servant. 
Well, sir? 

Ser. Your brother, sir, is speaking to a gentleman 
in the street, and says he knows you are within. 

JOS. Surf. 'S death, blockhead ! I 'm not within ; I 'm 
out for the day. 

SIR Pet. Stay ; hold ! A thought has struck me : 
you shall be at home. 

Jos. Surf. Well, well ; let him up. [Exit Servant.] 
He '11 interrupt Sir Peter, however. [Aside. 

SIR Pet. Now, my good friend, oblige me, I entreat you. 
Before Charles comes, let me conceal myself somewhere ; 
then do you tax him on the point we have been talking, 
and his answer may satisfy me at once. 

Jos. SURF. Oh, fie, Sir Peter ! would you have me 
join in so mean a trick? — to trepan my brother too? 

Sir Pet. Nay, you tell me you are sure he is innocent; 
if so, you do him the greatest service by giving him an 
opportunity to clear himself, and you will set my heart 
at rest. Come, you shall not refuse me. [Going up.] Here, 
behind the screen, will be — Hey ! what the devil ! there 
seems to be one listener here already. I '11 swear I saw 
a petticoat ! 

Jos. SURF. Ha, ha, ha ! Well, this is ridiculous enough. 
I '11 tell you, Sir Peter, though I hold a man of intrigue 



124 



The School for Scandal. 




to be a most despicable character, yet, you know, it does 
not follow that one is to be an absolute Joseph either ! 
Hark'ee, 't is a little French milliner, a silly rogue that 
plagues me ; and having some character to lose, on your 
coming, sir, she ran behind the screen. 

Sir Pet. Ah, Joseph, Joseph ! Did I 
ever think that you — But, egad, she has 
overheard all I have been saying of my 
wife ! 

Jos. SURF. Oh, 't will never go any far- 
ther, you may depend upon it ! 

Sir Pet. No ! then, faith, let her hear 
it out. Here 's a closet will do as well. 
JOS. SURF. Well, go in there. 
Sir Pet. Sly rogue, sly rogue ! 

[Goes into the closet. 

Jos. Surf. A narrow escape, indeed ! 

and a curious situation I 'm in, to part 

man and wife in this manner. 

Lady Teaz. [Peeping.] Could n't I steal 

off? 

JOS. SURF. Keep close, my angel ! 
SlR Pet. [Peeping.'] Joseph, tax him home. 
Jos. SURF. Back, my dear friend ! 

LADY TEAZ. [Peeping.] Couldn't you lock Sir Peter in? 
JOS. SURF. Be still, my life ! 

Sir Pet. [Peeping.] You 're sure the little milliner 
won't blab? 

JOS. SURF. In, in, my dear Sir Peter ! — 'Fore Gad, 
I wish I had a key to the door. 



The School for Scandal. 125 



Enter Charles Surface. 

CHAS. SURF. Holla, brother! what has been the mat- 
ter? Your fellow would not let me up at first. What! 
have you had a Jew or a wench with you? 

JOS. SURF. Neither, brother, I assure you. 

CHAS. SURF. But what has made Sir Peter steal off? 
I thought he had been with you. 

JOS. SURF. He was, brother; but hearing you were 
coming, he did not choose to stay. 

CHAS. SURF. What ! was the old gentleman afraid I 
wanted to borrow money of him? 

JOS. SURF. No, sir; but I am sorry to find, Charles, 
you have lately given that worthy man grounds for great 
uneasiness. 

CHAS. SURF. Yes; they tell me I do that to a great 
many worthy men. But how so, pray? 

JOS. SURF. To be plain with you, brother, he thinks 
you are endeavouring to gain Lady Teazle's affections 
from him. 

CHAS. Surf. Who, I? O Lud ! not I, upon my word. 
Ha, ha, ha, ha ! so the old fellow has found out that 
he has got a young wife, has he, — or, what is worse, Lady 
Teazle has found out she has an old husband? 

Jos. Surf. This is no subject to jest on, brother. He 
who can laugh — 

Chas. Surf. True, true, as you were going to say. 
Then, seriously, I never had the least idea of what you 
charge me with, upon my honour. 



126 The School for Scandal. 

JOS. Surf. Well, it will give Sir Peter great satisfaction 
to hear this. [Raising his voice. 

Chas. Surf. To be sure, I once thought the lady 
seemed to have taken a fancy to me ; but, upon my soul, 
I never gave her the least encouragement. Besides, you 
know my attachment to Maria. 

Jos. SURF. But sure, brother, even if Lady Teazle had 
betrayed the fondest partiality for you — 

Chas. Surf. Why, look'ee, Joseph, I hope I shall never 
deliberately do a dishonourable action; but if a pretty 
woman was purposely to throw herself in my way, and that 
pretty woman married to a man old enough to be her father — 

Jos. Surf. Well! 

Chas. Surf. Why, I believe I should be obliged to — 

Jos. Surf. What? 

Chas. Surf. To borrow a little of your morality, that 's 
all. But, brother, do you know now that you surprise me 
exceedingly by naming me with Lady Teazle ; for, i' faith, 
I always understood you were her favourite. 

Jos. SURF. Oh, for shame, Charles! This retort is 
foolish. 

Chas. Surf. Nay, I swear I have seen you exchange 
such significant glances — 

Jos. SURF. Nay, nay, sir ; this is no jest. 

Chas. Surf. Egad, I 'm serious ! Don't you remember 
one day, when I called here — 

Jos. SURF. Nay, pr'ythee, Charles — 

Chas. Surf. And found you together — 

JOS. SURF. Zounds, sir ! I insist — 

Chas. Surf. And another time when your servant — 



The School for Scandal. 127 

JOS. SURF. Brother, brother, a word with you ! 
\_Aside.~] Gad ! I must stop him. 

Chas. SURF. Informed, I say, that — 

Jos. SURF. Hush ! I beg your pardon, but Sir Peter has 
overheard all we have been saying. I knew you would 
clear yourself, or I should not have consented. 

Chas. Surf. How, Sir Peter! Where is he? 

Jos. SURF. Softly, there ! {Points to the closet. 

Chas. SURF. Oh, 'fore Heaven, I '11 have him out. Sir 
Peter, come forth ! 

Jos. Surf. No, no — 

CHAS. Surf. I say, Sir Peter, come into court. 
[Pulls in SIR PETER.] What, my old guardian ! What ! 
turn inquisitor, and take evidence incog.? Oh, fie! 
Oh, fie! 

Sir Pet. Give me your hand, Charles. I believe 
I have suspected you wrongfully ; but you must n't be 
angry with Joseph; 'twas my plan. 

Chas. Surf. Indeed ! 

Sir Pet. But I acquit you. I promise you I don't 
think near so ill of you as I did ; what I have heard has 
given me great satisfaction. 

CHAS. SURF. Egad, then, 't was lucky you did n't hear 
any more. Wasn't it, Joseph? 

Sir Pet. Ah ! you would have retorted on him. 

Chas. Surf. Ah ! ay, that was a joke. 

Sir Pet. Yes, yes ; I know his honour too well. 

Chas. SURF. But you might as well have suspected him 
as me in this matter, for all that. Might n't he, Joseph? 

Sir Pet. Well, well, I believe you. 



128 The School for Sca7tdal. 

Jos. Surf. Would they were both out of the room! 

[Aside. 
Sir Pet. And in future perhaps we may not be such 



Re-enter Servant, and whispers Joseph Surface. 

Ser. Lady Sneerwell is below, and says she will come 
up. 

Jos. Surf. Lady Sneerwell ! Gad's life ! she must 
not come here. \_Exit SERVANT.] Gentlemen, I beg 
pardon — I must wait on you downstairs ; here is a person 
come on particular business. 

Chas. Surf. Well, you can see him in another room. 
Sir Peter and I have not met a long time, and I have 
something to say to him. 

Jos. SURF. [Aside.~] They must not be left together. 
\_Alotid.~] I '11 send Lady Sneerwell away, and return 
directly. [Aside to Sir Peter.] Sir Peter, not a word of 
the French milliner. 

Sir Pet. [Aside to Joseph Surface.] I ! not for the 
world ! [Exit JOSEPH SURFACE.] Ah, Charles, if you 
associated more with your brother, one might indeed hope 
for your reformation. He is a man of sentiment. Well, 
there is nothing in the world so noble as a man of 
sentiment. 

CHAS. SURF. Pshaw ! he is too moral by half, and so 
apprehensive of his good name, as he calls it, that 
I suppose he would as soon let a priest into his house 
as a wench. 



The School for Scandal. 



129 



SIR Pet. No, no ! come, come ; you wrong him. 
No, no ! Joseph is no rake, but he is no such saint either, 
in that respect. [Aside.'] I have a great mind to tell him ; 
we should have such a laugh at Joseph. 

CHAS. SURF. Oh, hang him ! he'sa very anchorite, a 
young hermit! 

SIR Pet. Hark'ee ! you must not abuse him; 
he may chance to hear of it again, I promise you. 
CHAS. SURF. Why, you won't tell him? 

Sir Pet. No — but — this way. [Aside.] 
Egad, I'll tell him. [Aloud.] Hark'ee! 
have you a mind to have a good laugh 
at Joseph? 

CHAS. SURF. I should like it of all 
things. 

Sir Pet. Then, i' faith, we will ! 
I '11 be quit with him for discovering 
me. He had a girl with him when I 
called. [ Whispers. 

CHAS. Surf. What, Joseph? you 
jest. 

Sir Pet. Hush! a little French milliner; 
and the best of the jest is — she 's in the room 
now. 

Chas. SURF. The devil she is ! 

Sir Pet. Hush ! I tell you. [Points to the screen. 

Chas. Surf. Behind the screen! 'S life, let's unveil 
her ! 

Sir Pet. No, no ! he 's coming ; you sha'n't, in- 
deed ! 

9 




<## 



130 The School for Scandal. 

CHAS. Surf. Oh, egad, we '11 have a peep at the 
little milliner ! 

Sir Pet. Not for the world ! Joseph will never for- 
give me. 

CHAS. SURF. I '11 stand by you — 

SIR Pet. Odds, here he is ! 

[Charles Surface throws down the screen. 

Re-enter JOSEPH SURFACE. 

CHAS. Surf. Lady Teazle, by all that 's wonderful ! 

Sir Pet. Lady Teazle, by all that 's damnable ! 

CHAS. Surf. Sir Peter, this is one of the smartest 
French milliners I ever saw. Egad, you seem all to have 
been diverting yourselves here at hide-and-seek, and I don't 
see who is out of the secret. Shall I beg your Ladyship to 
inform me? Not a word ! Brother, will you be pleased to 
explain this matter? What! is Morality dumb too? Sir 
Peter, though I found you in the dark, perhaps you are not 
so now ! All mute ! Well, though I can make nothing 
of the affair, I suppose you perfectly understand one 
another; so I'll leave you to yourselves. \_Going.~] 
Brother, I 'm sorry to find you have given that worthy man 
grounds for so much uneasiness. Sir Peter, there 's 
nothing in the world so noble as a man of sentiment ! 

[Exit. 

Jos. SURF. Sir Peter — notwithstanding — I confess — 
that appearances are against me — if you will afford me your 
patience — I make no doubt — but I shall explain every- 
thing to your satisfaction. 



The School for Scandal. 131 

Sir Pet. If you please, sir. 

Jos. Surf. The fact is, sir, that Lady Teazle, knowing 
my pretensions to your ward Maria — I say, sir, Lady 
Teazle, being apprehensive of the jealousy of your temper — 
and knowing my friendship to the family — she, sir, I say 
— called here — in order that — I might explain these 
pretensions — but on your coming — being apprehensive — 
as I said — of your jealousy — she withdrew — and this, 
you may depend on it, is the whole truth of the matter. 

Sir Pet. A very clear account, upon my word ; and I 
dare swear the lady will vouch for every article of it. 

Lady Teaz. For not one word of it, Sir Peter ! 

Sir Pet. How ! don't you think it worth while to agree 
in the lie? 

Lady Teaz. There is not one syllable of truth in what 
that gentleman has told you. 

Sir Pet. I believe you, upon my soul, ma'am ! 

Jos. Surf. [Aside to Lady Teazle.] 'S death, madam, 
will you betray me ? 

Lady Teaz. Good Mr. Hypocrite, by your leave, I '11 
speak for myself. 

SlR Pet. Ay, let her alone, sir ; you '11 find she '11 make 
out a better story than you without prompting. 

LADY Teaz. Hear me, Sir Peter ! I came here on no 
matter relating to your ward, and even ignorant of this 
gentleman's pretensions to her. But I came, seduced by 
his insidious arguments, at least to listen to his pretended 
passion, if not to sacrifice your honour to his baseness. 

Sir Pet. Now I believe the truth is coming, indeed ! 

Jos. SURF. The woman 's mad ! 



132 The School for Scandal. 



Lady Teaz. No, sir ; she has recovered her senses, and 
your own arts have furnished her with the means. Sir 
Peter, I do not expect you to credit me — but the tenderness 
you expressed for me when I am sure you could not think 
I was a witness to it, has so penetrated to my heart that 
had I left the place without the shame of this discovery, my 
future life should have spoken the sincerity of my gratitude. 
As for that smooth-tongued hypocrite, who would have 
seduced the wife of his too credulous friend while he 
affected honourable addresses to his ward, I behold him 
now in a light so truly despicable that I shall never again 
respect myself for having listened to him. \_Exit. 

JOS. SURF. Notwithstanding all this, Sir Peter, Heaven 
knows — 

SIR Pet. That you are a villain ! and so I leave you to 
your conscience. 

Jos. Surf. You are too rash, Sir Peter; you shall hear 
me. The man who shuts out conviction by refusing to — 

SlR Pet. Oh, damn your sentiments ! 

[Exeunt Sir Peter and Joseph Surface, talking. 




Scene I. — The Library in Joseph Surface's House. 



Enter Joseph Surface and Servant. 



Jos. Surf. Mr. Stanley! and why should you think 
I would see him? You must know he comes to ask 
something. 

Ser. Sir, I should not have let him in, but that Mr. 
Rowley came to the door with him. 

JOS. Surf. Pshaw, blockhead ! to suppose that I should 
now be in a temper to receive visits from poor relations ! 
Well, why don't you show the fellow up? 

SER. I will, sir. Why, sir, it was not my fault that Sir 
Peter discovered my Lady — 

Jos. Surf. Go, fool! \_Exit Servant.] Sure For- 
tune never played a man of my policy such a trick before ! 
My character with Sir Peter, my hopes with Maria, de- 



134 The School for Scandal. 

stroyed in a moment ! I 'm in a rare humour to listen to 
other people's distresses ! I sha'n't be able to bestow even 
a benevolent sentiment on Stanley. So ! here he comes, 
and Rowley with him. I must try to recover myself, and 
put a little charity into my face, however. \_Exit. 

Enter Sir Oliver Surface and Rowlev. 

Sir Oliv. What! does he avoid us? That was he, 
was it not? 

Row. It was, sir. But I doubt you are come a little 
too abruptly. His nerves are so weak that the sight of a 
poor relation may be too much for him. I should have 
gone first to break it to him. 

Sir Oliv. Oh, plague of his nerves ! Yet this is he 
whom Sir Peter extols as a man of the most benevolent 
way of thinking ! 

Row. As to his way of thinking, I cannot pretend to 
decide ; for to do him justice, he appears to have as 
much speculative benevolence as any private gentleman in 
the kingdom, though he is seldom so sensual as to indulge 
himself in the exercise of it. 

Sir Oliv. Yet he has a string of charitable sentiments 
at his fingers' ends. 

Row. Or, rather, at his tongue's end, Sir Oliver; for 
I believe there is no sentiment he has such faith in as that 
Charity begins at home. 

Sir Oliv. And his, I presume, is of that domestic sort 
which never stirs abroad at all. 

ROW. I doubt you'll find it so; but he's coming. 



The School for Scandal. 135 

I mustn't seem to interrupt you; and, you know, immedi- 
ately as you leave him, I come in to announce your arrival 
in your real character. 

SIR Oliv. True ; and afterwards you '11 meet me at Sir 
Peter's. 

Row. Without losing a moment. \Exit. 

SIR Oliv. I don't like the complaisance of his features. 

Re-enter JOSEPH SURFACE. 

JOS. SURF. Sir, I beg you ten thousand pardons for 
keeping you a moment waiting. Mr. Stanley, I presume. 

SIR Oliv. At your service. 

Jos. SURF. Sir, I beg you will do me the honour to sit 
down; I entreat you, sir. 

Sir Oliv. Dear sir, there's no occasion. [Aside.] Too 
civil by half! 

Jos. SURF. I have not the pleasure of knowing you, 
Mr. Stanley; but I am extremely happy to see you look 
so well. You were nearly related to my mother, I think, 
Mr. Stanley? . 

Sir Oliv. I was, sir; so nearly that my present pov- 
erty, I fear, may do discredit to her wealthy children, else 
I should not have presumed to trouble you. 

Jos. SURF. Dear sir, there needs no apology; he that 
is in distress, though a stranger, has a right to claim kin- 
dred with the wealthy. I am sure I wish I was one of that 
class, and had it in my power to offer you even a small relief. 

Sir Oliv. If your uncle Sir Oliver were here, I should 
have a friend. 



136 The School for Scandal. 

Jos. SURF. I wish he was, sir, with all my heart; you 
should not want an advocate with him, believe me, sir. 

Sir Oliv. I should not need one ; my distresses would 
recommend me. But I imagined his bounty would enable 
you to become the agent of his charity. 

Jos. Surf. My dear sir, you were strangely misinformed. 
Sir Oliver is a worthy man, — a very worthy man ; but ava- 
rice, Mr. Stanley, is the vice of age. I will tell you, my 
good sir, in confidence, what he has done for me has been 
a mere nothing ; though people, I know, have thought other- 
wise, and, for my part, I never chose to contradict the report. 

Sir Oliv. What ! has he never transmitted you bul- 
lion, rupees, pagodas? 

Jos. SURF. Oh, dear sir, nothing of the kind! No, no; 
a few presents now and then, — china, shawls, congou tea, 
avadavats, and Indian crackers ; little more, believe me. 

Sir Oliv. Here's gratitude for twelve thousand pounds! 
Avadavats and Indian crackers ! [Aside. 

Jos. SURF, Then, my dear sir, you have heard, I doubt 
not, of the extravagance of my brother ; there are very few 
would credit what I have done for that unfortunate young 
man. 

Sir Oliv. Not I, for one ! [Aside. 

Jos. Surf. The sums I have lent him ! Indeed, I have 
been exceedingly to blame ; it was an amiable weakness. 
However, I don't pretend to defend it; and now I feel it 
doubly culpable, since it has deprived me of the pleasure 
of serving you, Mr. Stanley, as my heart dictates. 

SIR Oliv. [Aside.] Dissembler! [Alotid.~\ Then, 
sir, you can't assist me? 



" Then, Sir, you can 't assist me? " 

Act V. , page 136 



The School for Scandal. 139 

JOS. SURF. At present, it grieves 'me to say, I cannot ; 
but whenever I have the ability, you may depend upon 
hearing from me. 

Sir Oliv. I am extremely sorry — 

Jos. SURF. Not more than I, believe me ; to pity, with- 
out the power to relieve, is still more painful than to ask 
and be denied. 

SIR Oliv. Kind sir, your most obedient, humble servant. 

JOS. SURF. You leave me deeply affected, Mr. Stanley. 
William, be ready to open the door. [Calls to Servant. 

Sir Oliv. Oh, dear sir, no ceremony. 

JOS. SURF. Your very obedient. 

Sir Oliv. Your most obsequious. 

Jos. Surf. You may depend upon hearing from me 
whenever I can be of service. 

Sir Oliv. Sweet sir, you are too good ! 

Jos. SURF. In the mean time I wish you health and 
spirits. 

Sir Oliv. Your ever grateful and perpetual humble 
servant. 

Jos. Surf. Sir, yours as sincerely. 

Sir Oliv. [_Aside.~\ Now I am satisfied. [Exit. 

Jos. SURF. This is one bad effect of a good char- 
acter: it invites application from the unfortunate, and there 
needs no small degree of address to gain the reputation of 
benevolence without incurring the expense. The silver ore 
of pure charity is an expensive article in the catalogue of 
a man's good qualities; whereas the sentimental French 
plate I use instead of it makes just as good a show, and 
pays no tax. 



140 The School for Scandal. 



Re-enter Rowley. 

Row. Mr. Surface, your servant. I was apprehensive 
of interrupting you, though my business demands immedi- 
ate attention, as this note will inform you. 

JOS. SURF. Always happy to see Mr. Rowley, — a ras- 
cal. [Aside. Reads the letter.] Sir Oliver Surface ! My 
uncle arrived ! 

Row. He is indeed, — we have just parted, — quite well, 
after a speedy voyage, and impatient to embrace his worthy 
nephew. 

Jos. Surf. I am astonished ! William ! stop Mr. Stan* 
ley, if he 's not gone. {Calls to Servant. 

Row. Oh, he 's out of reach, I believe. 

JOS. SURF. Why did you not let me know this when 
you came in together? 

Row. I thought you had particular business. But I 
must be gone to inform your brother, and appoint him 
here to meet your uncle. He will be with you in a quarter 
of an hour. 

JOS. Surf. So he says. Well, I am strangely overjoyed 
at his coming. [Aside."] Never, to be sure, was anything 
so damned unlucky ! 

Row. You will be delighted to see how well he looks. 

Jos. SURF. Oh, I 'm overjoyed to hear it. [Aside.] 
Just at this time ! 

Row. I '11 tell him how impatiently you expect him. 

Jos. SURF. Do, do ! pray give my best duty and affec- 
tion. Indeed, I cannot express the sensations I feel at the 



y: 




* 



«** $/ 



The School for Scandal. 143 

thought of seeing him. [Exit Rowley.] Certainly his 
coming just at this time is the crudest piece of ill fortune. 

[Exit. 

Scene II. — A Room in Sir Peter Teazle's House. 
Enter Mrs. Candour and Maid. 

Maid. Indeed, ma'am, my lady will see nobody at 
present. 

MRS. Can. Did you tell her it was her friend, Mrs. 
Candour? 

Maid. Yes, ma'am ; but she begs you will excuse her. 

MRS. Can. Do go again ; I shall be glad to see her, if 
it be only for a moment, for I am sure she must be in great 
distress, [^j// Maid.] Dear heart, how provoking! I'm 
not mistress of half the ctrcumstances ! We shall have the 
whole affair in the newspapers, with the names of the par- 
ties at length, before I have dropped the story at a dozen 
houses. 

Enter Sir Benjamin Backbite. 

Oh, dear Sir Benjamin ! you have heard, I suppose — 

Sir Ben. Of Lady Teazle and Mr. Surface — 

MRS. Can. And Sir Peter's discovery — 

SIR Ben. Oh, the strangest piece of business, to be 
sure ! 

MRS. Can. Well, I never was so surprised in my life. 
I am so sorry for all parties, indeed. 

Sir Ben. Now, I don't pity Sir Peter at all ; he was so 
extravagantly partial to Mr. Surface. 



144 The School for Scandal. 

Mrs. Can. Mr. Surface ! Why, 't was with Charles 
Lady Teazle was detected. 

Sir Ben. No, no, I tell you; Mr. Surface is the 
gallant. 

Mrs. Can. No such thing! Charles is the man. 'Twas 
Mr. Surface brought Sir Peter on purpose to discover 
them. 

Sir Ben. I tell you I had it from one — 

MRS. Can. And I have it from one — 

Sir Ben. Who had it from one, who had it — 

Mrs. Can. From one immediately. But here comes 
Lady Sneerwell ; perhaps she knows the whole affair. 

Enter Lady Sneerwell. 

Lady Sneer. So, my dear Mrs. Candour, here 's a sad 
affair of our friend Lady Teazle. 

Mrs. Can. Ay, my dear friend ; who would have 
thought — 

Lady Sneer. Well, there is no trusting appearances, 
though, indeed, she was always too lively for me. 

Mrs. Can. To be sure, her manners were a little too 
free ; but then she was so young ! 

Lady SNEER. And had, indeed, some good qualities. 

MRS. Can. So she had, indeed. But have you heard 
the particulars? 

Lady Sneer. No; but everybody says that Mr. 
Surface — ■ 

Sir Ben. Ay, there; I told you Mr. Surface was the 
man. 



The School for Scandal. 145 



Mrs. Can. No, no; indeed, the assignation was with 
Charles. 

Lady Sneer. With Charles! You alarm me, Mrs. 
Candour. 

MRS. Can. Yes, yes ; he was the lover. Mr. Surface, to 
do him justice, was only the informer. 

SIR Ben. Well, I'll not dispute with you, Mrs. Can- 
dour; but, be it which it may, I hope that Sir Peter's 
wound will not — 

Mrs. Can. Sir Peter's wound ! Oh, mercy ! I did n't 
hear a word of their fighting. 

Lady Sneer. Nor I, a syllable. 

Sir Ben. No ! what, no mention of the duel? 

Mrs. Can. Not a word. 

Sir Ben. Oh, yes, they fought before they left the 
room. 

LADY Sneer. Pray, let us hear. 

MRS. Can. Ay ; do oblige us with the duel. 

Sir Ben. " Sir" says Sir Peter, immediately after the 
discovery, "you, are a most ungrateful fellow." 

Mrs. Can. Ay; to Charles — 

Sir Ben. No, no; to Mr. Surface; a most ungrateful 
fellow ; and old as I am, sir, says he, / insist on immediate 
satisfaction. 

Mrs. Can. Ay, that must have been to Charles; for 
'tis very unlikely Mr. Surface should fight in his own 
house. 

SIR Ben. Gad's life, ma'am ! not at all, — giving me 
immediate satisfaction. On this, ma'am, Lady Teazle, see- 
ing: Sir Peter in such danger, ran out of the room in 



146 



The School for Scandal. 



strong hysterics, and Charles after her, calling out for 
hartshorn and water; then, madam, they began to fight 
with swords — 

Enter Crabtree. 

Crab. With pistols, nephew, pistols ! I have it from 
undoubted authority. 




MRS. Can. Oh, Mr. Crabtree! then it is all true? 

Crab. Too true, indeed, madam ; and Sir Peter is dan- 
gerously wounded — 

Sir Ben. By a thrust in segoon quite through his left 
side — 

CRAB. By a bullet lodged in the thorax. 



The School for Scandal. 147 



Mrs. Can. Mercy on me ! Poor Sir Peter ! 

Crab. Yes, madam ; though Charles would have avoided 
the matter if he could. 

MRS. Can. I told you who it was ; I knew Charles was 
the person. 

SIR Ben. My uncle, I see, knows nothing of the matter. 

CRAB. But Sir Peter taxed him with the basest in- 
gratitude — 

SlR Ben. That I told you, you know — 

Crab. Do, nephew, let me # speak — and insisted on 
immediate — 

Sir Ben. Just as I said — 

CRAB. Odds life, nephew! allow others to know some- 
thing too ! A pair of pistols lay on the bureau (for Mr. 
Surface, it seems, had come home the night before late 
from Salthill, where he had been to see the Montem with 
a friend who has a son at Eton), so unluckily the pistols 
were left charged. 

Sir Ben. I heard nothing of this. 

Crab. Sir Peter forced Charles to take one, and they 
fired, it seems, pretty nearly together. Charles's shot took 
effect, as I tell you, and Sir Peter's missed; but, what is 
very extraordinary, the ball struck against a little bronze 
Shakspeare that stood over the fireplace, grazed out of 
the window at a right angle, and wounded the postman, 
who was just coming to the door with a double letter from 
Northamptonshire. 

SlR Ben. My uncle's account is more circumstantial, 
I confess ; but I believe mine is the true one, for all 
that. 



148 The School for Scandal. 

Lady Sneer. [Aside.] I am more interested in this 
affair than they imagine, and must have better information. 

[Exit. 

Sir Ben. Ah, Lady Sneerwell's alarm is very easily 
accounted for. 

Crab. Yes, yes; they certainly do say — but that's 
neither here nor there. 

Mrs. Can. But, pray, where is Sir Peter at present? 

Crab. Oh, they brought him home, and he is now 
in the house, though the servants are ordered to deny 
him. 

MRS. Can. I believe so ; and Lady Teazle, I suppose, 
attending him? 

Crab. Yes, yes; and I saw one of the faculty enter 
just before me. 

Sir Ben. Hey! who comes here? 

Crab. Oh, this is he, — the physician, depend on 't. 

Mrs. Can. Oh, certainly ! it must be the physician ; 
and now we shall know. 

Enter Sir Oliver Surface. 

Crab. Well, doctor, what hopes? 

MRS. Can. Ay, doctor, how 's your patient? 

Sir Ben. Now, doctor, is n't it a wound with a small- 
sword ? 

CRAB. A bullet lodged in the thorax, for a hundred ! 

Sir Oliv. Doctor! a wound with a small-sword! and 
a bullet in the thorax ! Oons ! are you mad, good people? 

Sir Ben. Perhaps, sir, you are not a doctor. 






The School for Scandal. 149 



Sir Oliv. Truly, I am to thank you for my degree, if 
I am. 

Crab. Only a friend of Sir Peter's, then, I presume. 
But, sir, you must have heard of his accident? 

Sir Oliv. Not a word ! 

Crab. Not of his being dangerously wounded? 

Sir Oliv. The devil he is ! 

Sir Ben. Run through the body — 

Crab. Shot in the breast — 

Sir Ben. By one Mr. Surface — 

Crab. Ay, the younger. 

Sir Oliv. Hey, what the plague ! you seem to differ 
strangely in your accounts ; however, you agree that Sir 
Peter is dangerously wounded. 

Sir Ben. Oh, yes ; we agree in that. 

Crab. Yes, yes ; I believe there can be no doubt of 
that. 

Sir Oliv. Then, upon my word, for a person in that 
situation, he is the most imprudent man alive; for here 
he comes, walking as if nothing at all was the matter. 

Enter Sir Peter Teazle. 

Odds heart, Sir Peter! you are come in good time, I 
promise you ; for we had just given you over. 

Sir Ben. [Aside to CRABTREE.] Egad, uncle, this is 
the most sudden recovery. 

Sir Oliv. Why, man ! what do you out of bed with a 
small-sword through your body, and a bullet lodged in 
your thorax? 



150 The School for Scandal. 

Sir Pet. A small-sword and a bullet ! 

Sir Oliv. Ay ; these gentlemen would have killed you 
without law or physic, and wanted to dub me a doctor, to 
make me an accomplice. 

SIR Pet. Why, what is all this? 

Sir Ben. We rejoice, Sir Peter, that the story of the 
duel is not true, and are sincerely sorry for your other 
misfortune. 

Sir Pet. So, so ; all over the town already ! {Aside. 

Crab. Though, Sir Peter, you were certainly vastly to 
blame to marry at your years. 

Sir Pet. Sir, what business is that of yours? 

Mrs. Can. Though, indeed, as Sir Peter made so good 
a husband, he 's very much to be pitied. 

Sir Pet. Plague on your pity, ma'am ! I desire none 
of it. 

SIR Ben. However, Sir Peter, you must not mind 
the laughing and jests you will meet with on the oc- 
casion. 

Sir Pet. Sir, sir ! I desire to be master in my own 
house. 

CRAB. 5 T is no uncommon case, that's one comfort. 

SlR Pet. I insist on being left to myself; without cere- 
mony, I insist on your leaving my house directly ! 

Mrs. Can. Well, well, we are going; and depend on 't, 
we '11 make the best report of it we can. [Exit. 

SlR Pet. Leave my house ! 

CRAB. And tell how hardly you 've been treated. [Exit. 

SlR Pet. Leave my house ! 

SlR Ben. And how patiently you bear it. [Exit. 



The School for Scandal. 151 

Sir Pet. Fiends ! vipers ! furies ! Oh, that their own 
venom would choke them ! 

Sir Oliv. They are very provoking indeed, Sir Peter. 

Enter ROWLEY. 

ROW. I heard high words; what has ruffled you, sir? 

Sir Pet. Pshaw! what signifies asking? Do I ever 
pass a day without my vexations? 

Row. Well, I 'm not inquisitive. 

Sir Oliv. Well, Sir Peter, I have seen both my 
nephews in the manner we proposed. 

Sir Pet. A precious couple they are ! 

Row. Yes ; and Sir Oliver is convinced that your judg- 
ment was right, Sir Peter. 

Sir Oliv. Yes, I find Joseph is indeed the man, after 
all. 

Row. Ay, as Sir Peter says, he is a man of sentiment. 

Sir Oliv. And acts up to the sentiments he professes. 

Row. It certainly is edification to hear him talk. 

Sir Oliv. Oh, he \s a model for the young men of the 
age! But how's this, Sir Peter? you don't join us in your 
friend Joseph's praise, as I expected. 

Sir Pet. Sir Oliver, we live in a damned wicked world, 
and the fewer we praise the better. 

Row. What ! do you say so, Sir Peter, who were never 
mistaken in your life? 

Sir Pet. Pshaw ! plague on you both ! I see by your 
sneering you have heard the whole affair. I shall go mad 
among you ! 



152 The School for Scandal. 

Row. Then, to fret you no longer, Sir Peter, we are 
indeed acquainted with it all. I met Lady Teazle coming 
from Mr. Surface's so humbled that she deigned to request 
me to be her advocate with you. 

Sir Pet. And does Sir Oliver know all this? 

Sir Oliv. Every circumstance. 

Sir Pet. What! of the closet and the screen, hey? 

Sir Oliv. Yes, yes ; and the little French milliner. Oh, 
I have been vastly diverted with the story. Ha, ha, ha ! 

Sir Pet. 'T was very pleasant. 

Sir Oliv. I never laughed more in my life, I assure 
you ; ah, ah, ah ! 

Sir Pet. Oh, vastly diverting ! ha, ha, ha! 

Row. To be sure, Joseph with his sentiments ! ha, 
ha, ha! 

Sir Pet. Yes, yes, his sentiments ! ha, ha, ha ! Hypo- 
critical villain ! 

Sir Oliv. Ay; and that rogue Charles to pull Sir Peter 
out of the closet. Ha, ha, ha ! 

Sir Pet. Ha, ha ! 't was devilish entertaining, to be 
sure ! 

Sir Oliv. Ha, ha, ha ! Egad, Sir Peter, I should like 
to have seen your face when the screen was thrown down. 
Ha, ha! 

SIR Pet. Yes, yes; my face when the screen was 
thrown down ; ha, ha, ha ! Oh, I must never show my 
head again ! 

Sir Oliv. But come, come, it is n't fair to laugh at you 
neither, my old friend, though, upon my soul, I can't 
help it. 



The School for Scandal. 153 

Sir Pet. Oh, pray don't restrain your mirth on my ac- 
count; it does not hurt me at all! I laugh at the whole 
affair myself. Yes, yes ; I think being a standing jest for all 
one's acquaintance a very happy situation. Oh, yes, and 

then of a morning to read the paragraphs about Mr. S , 

Lady T , and Sir P will be so entertaining ! 

Row. Without affectation, Sir Peter, you may despise 
the ridicule of fools. But I see Lady Teazle going towards 
the next room ; I am sure you must desire a reconciliation 
as earnestly as she does. 

SIR Oliv. Perhaps my being here prevents her com- 
ing to you. Well, I '11 leave honest Rowley to mediate 
between you ; but he must bring you all presently to Mr. 
Surface's, where I am now returning, if not to reclaim a 
libertine, at least to expose hypocrisy. 

Sir Pet. Ah, I '11 be present at your discovering your- 
self there with all my heart ; though 't is a vile unlucky 
place for discoveries. 

Row. We '11 follow. {Exit Sir Oliver Surface. 

Sir Pet. She is not coming here, you see, Rowley. 

Row. No ; but she has left the door of that room open, 
you perceive. See, she is in tears. 

Sir Pet. Certainly a little mortification appears very 
becoming in a wife. Don't you think it will do her good 
to let her pine a little? 

Row. Oh, this is ungenerous in you ! 

Sir Pet. Well, I know not what to think. You re- 
member the letter I found of hers evidently intended for 
Charles? 

Row. A mere forgery, Sir Peter ! laid in your way on 



154 The School for Scandal. 

purpose. This is one of the points which I intend Snake 
shall give you conviction of. 

SlR Pet. I wish I were once satisfied of that. She 
looks this way. What a remarkably elegant turn of the 
head she has ! Rowley, I '11 go to her. 

Row. Certainly. 

Sir Pet. Though when it is known that we are recon- 
ciled, people will laugh at me ten times more. 

ROW. Let them laugh, and retort their malice only 
by showing them you are happy in spite of it. 

Sir Pet. I' faith, so I will ! and if I 'm not mistaken, 
we may yet be the happiest couple in the country. 

Row. Nay, Sir Peter; he who once lays aside sus- 
picion — 

Sir Pet. Hold, Master Rowley ! if you have any re- 
gard for me, never let me hear you utter anything like 
a sentiment; I have had enough of them to serve me 
the rest of my life. [Exeunt. 



Scene III. — The Library in JOSEPH SURFACE'S House. 

Enter Joseph Surface and Lady Sneerwell. 

Lady Sneer. Impossible ! Will not Sir Peter imme- 
diately be reconciled to Charles, and of course no longer 
oppose his union with Maria? The thought is distraction 
to me. 

Jos. SURF. Can passion furnish a remedy? 

LADY SNEER. No, nor cunning either. Oh, I was a 
fool, an idiot, to league with such a blunderer ! 



The School for Scandal, 155 

Jos. SURF. Sure, Lady Sneerwell, I am the greatest 
sufferer ; yet you see I bear the accident with calmness. 

Lady Sneer. Because the disappointment does n't 
reach your heart; your interest only attached you to 
Maria. Had you felt for her what I have for that ungrate- 
ful libertine, neither your temper nor hypocrisy could pre- 
vent your showing the sharpness of your vexation. 

JOS. Surf. But why should your reproaches fall on 
me for this disappointment? 

Lady Sneer. Are you not the cause of it? Had you 
not a sufficient field for your roguery in imposing upon Sir 
Peter and supplanting your brother, but you must endeav- 
our to seduce his wife ? I hate such an avarice of crimes ; 
't is an unfair monopoly, and never prospers. 

JOS. SURF. Well, I admit I have been to blame. I con- 
fess I deviated from the direct road of wrong; but I don't 
think we 're so totally defeated neither. 

Lady Sneer. No ! 

Jos. Surf. You tell me you have made a trial of Snake 
since we met, and that you still believe him faithful to us? 

Lady Sneer. I do believe so. 

Jos. SURF. And that he has undertaken, should it be 
necessary, to swear and prove that Charles is at this time 
contracted by vows and honour to your Ladyship, which 
some of his former letters to you will serve to support? 

LADY SNEER. This, indeed, might have assisted. 

Jos. SURF. Come, come ; it is not too late yet. {Knock- 
ing at the door.] But hark ! this is probably my uncle, Sir 
Oliver. Retire to that room ; we '11 consult further when 
he is gone. 



156 The School for Scandal. 

LADY SNEER. Well; but if he should find you out too? 

Jos. SURF. Oh, I have no fear of that. Sir Peter will 
hold his tongue for his own credit's sake; and you may 
depend on it I shall soon discover Sir Oliver's weak 
side. 

Lady SNEER. I have no diffidence of your abilities; 
only be constant to one roguery at a time. 

Jos. Surf. I will ; I will ! \_Exit Lady Sneerwell.] 
So ! 't is confounded hard, after such bad fortune, to be 
baited by one's confederate in evil. Well, at all events my 
character is so much better than Charles's that I certainly 
— hey! — what? — this is not Sir Oliver, but old Stanley 
again. Plague on 't that he should return to tease me 
just now ! I shall have Sir Oliver come and find him 
here — and — 

Enter Sir Oliver Surface. 

Gad's life, Mr. Stanley, why have you come back to plague 
me at this time? You must not stay now, upon my word. 

Sir Oliv. Sir, I hear your Uncle Oliver is expected 
here ; and though he has been so penurious to you, I '11 
try what he '11 do for me. 

Jos. Surf. Sir, 'tis impossible for you to stay now, 
so I must beg — Come any other time, and I promise 
you, you shall be assisted. 

Sir Oliv. No ; Sir Oliver and I must be acquainted. 

Jos. Surf. Zounds, sir ! then I insist on your quitting 
the room directly. 

Sir Oliv. Nay, sir — 



The School for Scandal. 157 

JOS. SURF. Sir, I insist on't! Here, William! show 
this gentleman out. Since you compel me, sir, not one 
moment — this is such insolence. [Going to push him out. 

Enter Charles Surface. 

CHAS. Surf. Heyday! what's the matter now? What 
the devil, have you got hold of my little broker here? 
Zounds, brother ! don't hurt little Premium. What 's the 
matter, my little fellow? 

JOS. SURF. So ! he has been with you too, has he? 

CHAS. SURF. To be sure he has. Why, he 's as honest 
a little — but sure, Joseph, you have not been borrowing 
money too, have you? 

Jos. Surf. Borrowing ! no ! But, brother, you know 
we expect Sir Oliver here every — 

Chas. Surf. O Gad, that 's true ! Noll must n't find 
the little broker here, to be sure. 

JOS. SURF. Yet Mr. Stanley insists — 

CHAS. SURF. Stanley! why his name's Premium. 

JOS. SURF. No, sir; Stanley. 

Chas. Surf. No, no ; Premium. 

Jos. SURF. Well, no matter which — but — 

CHAS. SURF. Ay, ay, Stanley or Premium, 't is the same 
thing, as you say; for I suppose he goes by half a hundred 
names, besides A. B. at the coffee-house. [Knocking. 

JOS. Surf. 'S death ! here 's Sir Oliver at the door. 
Now I beg, Mr. Stanley — 

Chas. Surf. Ay, ay; and I beg, Mr. Premium — 

Sir Oliv. Gentlemen — 



158 The School for Scandal. 

Jos. SURF. Sir, by Heaven you shall go ! 
Chas. Surf. Ay, out with him, certainly ! 
Sir Oliv. This violence — 
JOS. SURF. Sir, 'tis your own fault. 
Chas. Surf. Out with him, to be sure. 

\_Both forcing Sir Oliver out. 

Enter Sir Peter and Lady Teazle, Maria, and Rowley. 

Sir Pet. My old friend, Sir Oliver, hey ! What in 
the name of wonder — here are dutiful nephews — assault 
their uncle at his first visit ! 

Lady Teaz. Indeed, Sir Oliver, 'twas well we came in 
to rescue you. 

Row. Truly it was ; for I perceive, Sir Oliver, the char- 
acter of old Stanley was no protection to you. 

Sir Oliv. Nor of Premium either: the necessities of 
the former could not extort a shilling from that benevolent 
gentleman ; and with the other I stood a chance of faring 
worse than my ancestors, and being knocked down without 
being bid for. 

JOS. SURF. Charles ! 

Chas. Surf. Joseph ! 

Jos. SURF. 'T is now complete ! 

Chas. Surf. Very. 

Sir Oliv. Sir Peter, my friend, and Rowley too, look 
on that elder nephew of mine. You know what he has 
already received from my bounty; and you also know how 
gladly I would have regarded half my fortune as held 
in trust for him. Judge, then, my disappointment in dis- 



The School for Scandal. 159 

covering him to be destitute of truth, charity, and 
gratitude ! 

Sir Pet. Sir Oliver, I should be more surprised at this 
declaration, if I had not myself found him to be mean, 
treacherous, and hypocritical. 

LADY Teaz. And if the gentleman pleads not guilty to 
these, pray let him call me to his character. 

Sir Pet. Then, I believe, we need add no more ; if he 
knows himself, he will consider it as the most perfect pun- 
ishment that he is known to the world. 

Chas. Surf. If they talk this way to Honesty, what 

will they say to me by and by? \_Aside. 

[Sir Peter, Lady Teazle, and Maria retire. 

Sir Oliv. As for that prodigal, his brother, there — 

Chas. Surf. Ay, now comes my turn ; the damned 
family pictures will ruin me ! \_Aside. 

Jos. Surf. Sir Oliver — uncle, will you honor me with 
a hearing? 

Chas. SURF. Now, if Joseph would make one of his 
long speeches, I might recollect myself a little. \_Aside. 

SIR Oliv. I suppose you would undertake to justify 
yourself? [To JOSEPH SURFACE. 

Jos. Surf. I trust I could. 

Sir Oliv. [To Charles Surface.] Well, sir; and 
you could justify yourself too, I suppose? 

CHAS. Surf. Not that I know of, Sir Oliver. 

Sir Oliv. What! Little Premium has been let too 
much into the secret, I suppose? 

CHAS. Surf. True, sir; but they were family secrets, 
and should not be mentioned again, you know. 



160 The School for Scandal. 



ROW. Come, Sir Oliver, I know you cannot speak of 
Charles's follies with anger. 

SIR Oliv. Odds heart, no more I can ; nor with gravity 
either. Sir Peter, do you know the rogue bargained with 
me for all his ancestors ; sold me judges and generals by 
the foot, and maiden aunts as cheap as broken china? 

Chas. SURF. To be sure, Sir Oliver, I did make a little 
free with the family canvas, that's the truth on 't. My 
ancestors may rise in judgment against me, there's no deny- 
ing it; but believe me sincere when I tell you — and upon 
my soul, I would not say so if I was not — that if I do not 
appear mortified at the exposure of my follies, it is because 
I feel at this moment the warmest satisfaction in seeing you, 
my liberal benefactor. 

SIR Oliv. Charles, I believe you. Give me your hand 
again; the ill-looking little fellow over the settee has made 
your peace. 

CHAS. SURF. Then, sir, my gratitude to the original is 
still increased. 

Lady Teaz. [Advancing.^ Yet, I believe, Sir Oliver, 
here is one whom Charles is still more anxious to be recon- 
ciled to. [Pointing to MARIA. 

Sir Oliv. Oh, I have heard of his attachment there ; 
and, with the young lady's pardon, if I construe right — that 
blush — 

Sir Pet. Well, child, speak your sentiments ! 

Mar. Sir, I have little to say, but that I shall rejoice 
to hear that he is happy; for me, whatever claim I had 
to his attention, I willingly resign to one who has a better 
title. 




1 :' S } 



J 



2* 



The School for Scandal. 16 



Chas. Surf. How, Maria ! 

Sir Pet. Heyday! what 's the mystery now? While he 
appeared an incorrigible rake, you would give your hand to 
no one else ; and now that he is likely to reform, I '11 warrant 
you won't have him ! 

Mar. His own heart and Lady Sneerwell know the 
cause. 

CHAS. Surf. Lady Sneerwell! 

Jos. SURF. Brother, it is with great concern I am obliged 
to speak on this point; but my regard to justice compels me, 
and Lady Sneerwell's injuries can no longer be concealed. 

[ Opens the door. 

Enter Lady Sneerwell. 

Sir Pet. So ! another French milliner ! Egad, he has 
one in every room in the house, I suppose ! 

Lady Sneer. Ungrateful Charles ! Well may you be 
surprised, and feel for the indelicate situation your perfidy 
has forced me into. 

Chas. SURF. Pray, uncle, is this another plot of yours? 
For as I have life, I don 't understand it. 

Jos. SURF. I believe, sir, there is but the evidence of 
one person more necessary to make it extremely clear. 

Sir Pet. And that person, I imagine, is Mr. Snake. 
Rowley, you were perfectly right to bring him with us, and 
pray let him appear. 

ROW. Walk in, Mr. Snake. 

Enter Snake. 
I thought his testimony might be wanted ; however, it 



164 



The School for Scandal. 



happens, unluckily, that he comes to confront Lady Sneer- 
well, not to support her. 

Lady Sneer. A villain ! Treacherous to me at last ! 
Speak, fellow, have you too conspired against me? 

Snake. I beg your Ladyship ten thou- 
sand pardons. You paid me extremely 
liberally for the lie in question; but I 
unfortunately have been offered double 
to speak the truth. 

Sir Pet. Plot and counter-plot, egad ! 
I wish your Ladyship joy of your ne- 
gotiation. 

Lady Sneer. The torments of shame and 
disappointment on you all ! [ Going. 

Lady Teaz. Hold, Lady Sneerwell ! be- 
fore you go, let me thank you for the trouble 
you and that gentleman have taken, in writ- 
ing letters from me to Charles, and answering 
them yourself; and let me also request you 
to make my respects to the scandalous col- 
lege of which you are president, and inform 
them that Lady Teazle, licentiate, begs leave 
to return the diploma they granted her, as she leaves off 
practice, and kills characters no longer. 

Lady Sneer. You too, madam ! provoking, insolent ! 




«f 



May your husband live these fifty years ! 
Sir Pet. Oons ! what a fury ! 
Lady Teaz. A malicious creature, indeed ! 
Sir Pet. What! not for her last wish? 
Lady Teaz. Oh, no ! 



[Exit. 



The School for Scandal. 165 

Sir Oliv. Well, sir, and what have you to say now? 

Jos. Surf. Sir, I am so confounded to find that Lady 
Sneerwell could be guilty of suborning Mr. Snake in this 
manner, to impose on us all, that I know not what to say ; 
however, lest her revengeful spirit should prompt her to 
injure my brother, I had certainly better follow her directly. 
For the man who attempts to — \_Exit. 

Sir Pet. Moral to the last ! 

Sir Oliv. Ay, and marry her, Joseph, if you can. Oil 
and vinegar! egad, you'll do very well together. 

Row. I believe we have no more occasion for Mr. Snake 
at present? 

SNAKE. Before I go, I beg pardon once for all for what- 
ever uneasiness I have been the humble instrument of 
causing to the parties present. 

SIR Pet. Well, well; you have made atonement by a 
good deed at last. 

Snake. But I must request of the company that it shall 
never be known. 

Sir Pet. Hey ! what the plague ! are you ashamed of 
having done a right thing once in your life? 

Snake. Ah, sir, consider, — I live by the badness of my 
character ; and if it were once known that I had been be- 
trayed into an honest action, I should lose every friend I 
have in the world. 

Sir Oliv. Well, well; we'll not traduce you by saying 
anything in your praise, — never fear. [Exit Snake. 

Sir Pet. There's a precious rogue! 

Lady Teaz. See, Sir Oliver, there needs no persuasion 
now to reconcile your nephew and Maria. 



1 66 The School for Scandal. 

SIR Oliv. Ay, ay, that's as it should be; and, egad, 
we'll have the wedding to-morrow morning. 

Chas. Surf. Thank you, dear uncle. 

Sir Pet. What, you rogue! don't you ask the girl's 
consent first? 

Chas. Surf. Oh, I have done that a long time — a 
minute ago — and she has looked yes. 

Mar. For shame, Charles ! I protest, Sir Peter, there 
has not been a word — 

Sir Oliv. Well, then, the fewer the better; may your 
love for each other never know abatement ! 

Sir Pet. And may you live as happily together as Lady 
Teazle and I intend to do ! 

Chas. Surf. Rowley, my old friend, I am sure you con- 
gratulate me ; and I suspect that I owe you much. 

Sir Oliv. You do indeed, Charles. 

Sir Pet. Ay; honest Rowley always said you would 
reform. 

Chas. Surf. Why, as to reforming, Sir Peter, I'll make 
no promises, and that I take to be a proof that I intend to 
set about it. But here shall be my monitor, my gentle 
guide. Ah ! can I leave the virtuous path those eyes 
illumine? 

Though thou, dear maid, shouldst waive thy beauty's sway, 

Thou still must rule, because I will obey : 

An humble fugitive from Folly view, 

No sanctuary near but Love and you. [To the audience. 

You can, indeed, each anxious fear remove, — 

For even Scandal dies, if you approve. [Exeunt omnes. 



epilogue* 

BY MR. COLMAN. 
SPOKEN BY LADY TEAZLE. 

I, WHO was late so volatile and gay, 
Like a trade-wind must now blow all one way, 
Bend all my cares, my studies, and my vows, 
To one dull rusty weathercock, — my spouse ! 
So wills our virtuous bard, — the motley Bayes 
Of crying epilogues and laughing plays. 
Old bachelors, who marry smart young wives, 
Learn from our play to regulate your lives : 
Each bring his dear to town, all faults upon her; 
London will prove the very source of honour. 
Plunged fairly in, like a cold bath it serves, 
When principles relax, to brace the nerves. 
Such is my case ; and yet I must deplore 
That the gay dream of dissipation 's o'er. 
And say, ye fair ! was ever lively wife, 
Born with a genius for the highest life, 
Like me untimely blasted in her bloom, 
Like me condemn'd to such a dismal doom? 



1 68 The School for Scandal. 

Save money, — when I just knew how to waste it ! 
Leave London, — just as I began to taste it ! 

Must I, then, watch the early crowing cock, 
The melancholy ticking of a clock ; 
In a lone rustic hall forever pounded, 
With dogs, cats, rats, and squalling brats surrounded? 
With humble curate can I now retire 
(While good Sir Peter boozes with the squire), 
And at backgammon mortify my soul, 
That pants for loo, or flutters at a vole? 
Seven's the main ! Dear sound that must expire, 
Lost at hot cockles round a Christmas fire ! 
The transient hour of fashion too soon spent, 
Farewell the tranquil mind, farewell content ! 
Farewell the plumed head, the cushioned tete, 
That takes the cushion from its proper seat ! 
That spirit-stirring drum ! — card drums I mean, — 
Spadille, odd trick, pam, basto, king and queen. 
And you, ye knockers, that, with brazen throat, 
The welcome visitors' approach denote ; 
Farewell all quality of high renown, 
Pride, pomp, and circumstance of glorious town ! 
Farewell ! your revels I partake no more, 
And Lady Teazle's occupation 's o'er ! 
All this I told our bard ; he smiled, and said 't was clear, 
I ought to play deep tragedy next year. 



The School for Scandal. 



169 



Meanwhile he drew wise morals from his play, 

And in these solemn periods stalk'd away: 

" Bless'd were the fair like you ; her faults who stopp'd, 

And closed her follies when the curtain dropp'd ; 

No more in vice or error to engage, 

Or play the fool at large on life's great stage." 



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